Pungent vinegar tickled my nose as I mopped the hardwood floor in my parents' home. Back and forth, back and forth, the work rhythm flowed. The silk of my navy shirt ribboned around me, the necklace swaying in return. I didn't know it was possible to feel elegant whilst completing household chores. But there it was.
I was glad I hadn't changed into something else. I would risk getting mop water on me. I wanted to look and feel good while I helped ready the house for our guests.
It hadn't yet sunk in that I was home. Less than a week prior, I thought I would be alone for the holiday. Local plans fell through and I couldn't figure out a way to get home after all of my fall travels. The Saturday before Thanksgiving, my best friend told me they'd decided to go to our hometown and would I like a ride? A few days later, there I was, sleeping in my old room and helping my mom in the kitchen.
Mom didn't tell everyone I was coming, a nice surprise for the relatives who walked in the door and saw me standing there. We hugged and talked for hours, catching up on my life and theirs. I won't see them again until Christmas and this makes me sad but what a gift to return home for Thanksgiving, the first time I've done so since moving to Nashville. What a gift to put frets and fears mostly aside for a day.
Whole. I felt whole again. In spite of the loss and turmoil of the past month, I go back home and suddenly I'm more me. Sometimes the people who know us longest limit us to their perceptions and yes, that's still in play. But at the same time, they know me and they love me and they're always happy to see me.
Before we sat down to eat, Grandpa asked about my best friends, whom he's met over the years. He commented how I have really great friends and said people in Nashville were lucky to have me in their life. I smiled and said he was biased.
I may have friends in Nashville but I don't have the depth and quality that only comes with time. Establishing community has been the greatest source of frustration and pain. I do not say it lightly. I knew starting fresh would be difficult but I underestimated how difficult it would be. I'm currently analyzing the part I play in this.
I want to be known. Not building toward that, not hoping my efforts will be reciprocated, not engaging in the minutia friendships are built upon. (My INFJ heart really hates this "in between" stage.) I love living in Nashville. It's home. I've reached the point of running into people I know at the grocery store. But I don't feel like I belong.
When I go back to my hometown, I belong. It's easy and worn, like a favorite t-shirt. I slip back into the groove of things, as if I'd never been away.
Mom says she doesn't feel quite right until her kids are back under her roof again, even though we've been gone for years. I get it though. I've long outgrown my old bedroom but there's something pure and true about staying with my parents.
It's not my house anymore. It doesn't even look the same, thanks to the kitchen remodel and addition Dad completed several years ago. I rummaged through the kitchen for measuring cups and spatulas as I compiled the green bean casserole. And all the while, my new shirt slid around me whispery smooth.
When I received my first shipment from Stitch Fix, the shirt drew me in right away. It's a far cry from my daily casual attire but we women need silky fabric and pleated detailing and colors that make our eyes stand out even more. I decided to keep it, along with a sweater, and wear it at Thanksgiving, long before my original plans fell through. How perfect to wear my new shirt around the people who love me best.
The compliments didn't hurt either. It was just one day but what a salve it turned out to be. A reminder of who I am, a nod to who I am capable of being.
This friendship thing is complicated. I'm going to do what I can to strengthen the relationships I have and continue to seek new ones out. It's the only way community will happen.
{For those wondering, yes, it was strange not having my aunt there. It was good to be with family.}
shirt, Stitch Fix
jeans, Gap
necklace, Anthropologie
earrings, ??
ring, c/o Marigold Road
capelet, Ann Taylor
Linking up with Dear Abby Leigh for Dress for the Day
Note: Stitch Fix referral code included in this post. If you click on the link and sign up for the service, I'll get credit on my account. I'm obsessed with Stitch Fix and wouldn't recommend it otherwise.
