This is what happens when I'm making a Big Decision or contemplating a Major Change.
A seed of an idea presents itself. "No, no, I couldn't do that."
"Hmm. Well, maybe I could do that. But not now. Later. Much, much later."
"Except...it would be kind of awesome." I start visualizing the potential change and imagining all kinds of wonderful scenarios. (Being a novelist and book nerd can get me into trouble.)
"OK, no, definitely not doing that. I don't have the guts!" I start working through all the reasons why it won't work.
"Not true. I do have guts. And I kind of want to do it but..."
To my inner circle: "So I've been thinking about maybe kind of..." This generally elicits much enthusiasm and affirmation because I've already run it through every angle.
Ponder, ponder, ponder. Think, think, think.
At last, the decision clicks into place. "Holy buckets! I'm going to do it!" Then it's full steam ahead, no turning back.
This process takes months, if not years. Y'all don't even want to know the things I'm contemplating right now. Let's just say change is afoot.
In the last several months, a few different friends told me I'd look great with a pixie cut. Given how attached I am to my long hair, I'd laugh nervously and mutter about how I've tried the short hair thing and it's not for me.
It's easy to let hair define me. To say I feel more myself with long hair. I've wondered though, whether my long hair was another way of hiding.
Maybe I'd work my way up to the pixie cut eventually.
Then my inner circle brought up Beyonce's short haircut on Thursday and I threw out the idea of lopping off my own long locks. Could I pull it off? They pounced and ran with it, telling me I'd look amazing and discussing possible styles. While a few counseled me to be really, really sure I wanted to do it, others began chanting "PIXIE CUT!"
Moment of reckoning: it was time for me to boldly and confidently become a pixie.
I looked at pictures of pixie cuts for inspiration. Ginnifer Goodwin's look has long been a favorite.
I messaged my stylist Michelle Loomis and told her my scheme. She was instantly on board. We went back and forth on whether I would go for a gateway haircut to ease my way into a pixie. I wanted to go all the way but I had no idea what I would decide until I sat in her chair.
Let me remind you: while I'd loosely contemplated a pixie cut for months, this all went down Thursday. Saturday morning I met up with a friend at the farmers market and then made my way over to Synergy where Michelle awaited.
As we talked about haircut options, resolve and clarity emerged. Whether motivated by bravery or hair boredom, I was going for it.
While I've regularly grown my hair out only to chop it off (as recently as spring 2010), I'd never tried a pixie cut before. I didn't want another short bob. I didn't want a gateway haircut, especially when cutting it all off meant a hair donation to Pantene Beautiful Lengths.
It was time for a change. Time to let go of the old and welcome the new.
I've been thinking about this Jesus Year of mine. My birthday in January seemed so full of possibility and yet I was met with personal setbacks until I went to Uganda and Burundi. That trip felt like an awakening and in so many ways, I am myself again. Myself but renewed and energized and ready for what's next.
There's no better way to mark this change than by letting go.
Michelle sectioned off my hair into rubber bands so it would be donation ready. Then she cut them off. I couldn't stop laughing. There was no turning back, nor did I want to.
This is the new me. I'm marking a new season.
Today, with my pixie cut in place, I have no regrets. I feel amazing and free and sassy as all get out.
I can't believe I did it.
I LOVE IT!!!
Watch out, world. It's about to get interesting.