Leigh Kramer

Can the Church Still Speak to Singles?

When you first walk into a sanctuary, your gaze is likely drawn elsewhere. Perhaps the sullen teen forced to sit with his family catches your eye or the couple whispering as they wait for worship to begin.

Maybe you'll notice the ones sitting by themselves or in clusters. The single dad whose kids are visiting their mom this weekend. The 20- and 30-somethings in the Young Adult group sitting to the side. The woman widowed after 54 years of marriage. The college student home on break. Having eyes to see does not mean you will reach out or wonder about their story. Chances are the service will begin and then end without further interaction.

While there are certainly churches doing it right, all too often singles are overlooked amidst a sea of married couples and families. Small groups often segregate according to young adults, older singles, young marrieds, and empty nesters. Sermons provide tangible applications for those married and parenting, perhaps tacking on an afterthought for those not in either category. Assumptions are made on both sides and the cracks begin to form. And when this happens, singles can question their place. What is their role in the Body of Christ? Why should they bother to attend church anymore?

Will anyone notice if they stop showing up?

We naturally gravitate toward the people who look and sound like us, as if we never grew out of our high school cliques. The jocks with the jocks, the band kids with the band kids, and so on. We might have friends who look and sound different than us, we may even be intentional about this, but in general, we like doing life with those who are in similar seasons.

That's not a bad thing. We benefit from solidarity. However, spending time with only people who are similar to us does not a good life make. It's a one-way ticket to stagnation and little to no growth. We lose the priceless gift of learning from one another.

We better understand God when we see various representations of his nature in models around us. Relying only on one metaphor diminishes the richness of his character. Our call is to be the Body of Christ. This call requires us to to be the hands and feet of Christ to those around us, regardless of how much we have in common. The universal Church is a diverse group and thrives because of it. We all have different gifts, backgrounds, and opinions and they somehow meld into beautiful worship.

At least, they have the potential to do so. How much diversity do you see in your congregation? Take a look at the age range, race, culture, gender, marital status, sexual orientation, political affiliation, level of education, career, and so on. Church demographics are usually quite telling about what is valued and sought out. Diversity doesn't “just happen.”

Most churches boast their fair share of those who are married and parenting. In many cases, more than their fair share. In the process of centering the church around this population, singles are edged to the sidelines.

Is marriage a great calling? Yes but it is one of many. It is not the end all, be all. Viewing it as such creates unrealistic expectations of spouses and the necessary work of marriage. It can also lead to those who are not married to feel “less than.”

Many pastors regularly preach about marriage and parenting because they are married and parenting themselves. Plus, we often associate church with being family-friendly. This is not bad in and of itself but we must be careful to remember not everyone in the congregation can check off those boxes. Church is not only for those who are married and parenting.

There may be married couples who do not yet have children or who are experiencing infertility or who have decided they do not want children. Can the church still speak to them?

There may be men and women who never married but are single parents. Can the church still speak to them?

There may be singles who have never married or whose marriages have ended due to divorce or death. Can the church still speak to them?

Our answer must be a resounding “yes.”

With this answer comes a question. Is the church willing to learn what the unmarried, divorced, widowed, and single parents can teach?

For the church to show its care and compassion may require first listening. Much of the rhetoric surrounding singleness, both inside the church and out, does not reflect the richness inherent in the lives of most singles.

Will those in the church listen to our hopes and fears and walk alongside us? Will they love us not because we're single but for who we are?

Singleness is not a transitional waiting room until real life begins. There's danger in viewing singles solely through that lens, especially since singleness is a broad, encompassing category. Each type of singleness has its own gifts and problems. Is singleness a problem, or does it have problems, just as marriage does?

Those who are single don't have, or no longer have, a partner helping out with chores and bills and work. For the formerly married, they may find gaps in their community as they are no longer included in the same circles or they may have less time to devote to others, given their increased responsibilities. For the unmarried, instead of leaning on a nuclear family, they lean on the community of friends and family they've formed and the local church should be first in line. Sadly, for too many, the local church is not part of the equation.

Too often, marriage becomes synonymous with acceptance and belonging. Singles are encouraged to marry, whether or not it's best or even their desire. What's missing in all of these expectations and simplistic solutions, whether real or perceived, is a focus on the individual. In the face of all this, many singles quit going to church or resign themselves to being second-class citizens.

A person should know unequivocally they belong in their church. Regardless of who they are, where they've been, and what they bring to the table, they should know they are loved and accepted. The Church misses the mark when members are not valued and cared for as they are.

Those who are married and those who are single need one another. We have much to teach and much to learn. For the church to truly thrive, it must find ways to integrate singles into the congregation and encourage congregants to share their lives.

Together, we must learn what healthy relationships look like, how we benefit from the inclusion of singles, and how to stop assuming we know what someone else needs. Singles must reflect on their own role within the church and how they can care for the married people in their lives. Pastors and churches need to develop a stronger sexual and community ethic, whether discussing chastity, including singles in leadership, or creating viable options for singles to connect with the congregation.

Some churches already do these things. Some people instinctively know how to include others. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, my prayer is for eyes to be opened and ears to hear. So long as people are marginalized, there is always room for improvement.

Given the aging Baby Boomer population, current divorce rate, and increasing number of singles who are unmarried, the Church must examine what it means to be the Body to one another. We can't afford not to.

(For practical suggestions on how to care for singles in the church, read this post.)

 

There's Nothing Wrong With Singleness

Photo source

We sat in the hotel hallway the last night of the conference. She sat across from me and wiped tears away as she told part of her story. She was in the midst of many changes but her tears boiled down to this: she was single again and feared she had nothing to offer anyone. She had missed her chance, she said, though she'd spent 15 minutes discussing the red flags she'd ignored and how she knew she'd made the right decision in breaking off her engagement. She was almost 25 and told me she didn't know what life should look like if she wasn't married. She never planned on singleness.

The whole weekend she'd looked around at the mostly married and mothering conference attendees and wondered if she fit in. She questioned how she could minister to others and had trouble identifying what she had to offer. All because she wasn't yet married.

I listened to her and heard echoes of my former 25 year old self. The angst and frustration of a life not following the assumed path. I remembered feeling like there was something wrong with me. There had to be some reason I was still single. This was a recurring theme in my early and mid-20s for me and most of my not-yet-married friends. In fact, while we could look at one another and say “there's nothing wrong with you,” we had difficulty applying the same logic to ourselves. We kept working and traveling and enjoying life but there was a sense we were missing out, that somewhere along the way we'd screwed up and now Mr. Right would be forever a mirage.

I looked at the young woman across from me and told her what I wish someone would have told my friends and me those years ago. “Life doesn't start when you marry,” I said.

I told her there was nothing wrong with being single. I affirmed the tough decisions she'd had to make and the adventure underway. I pointed out the ways she ministered to people already. One failed relationship did not mean she would never have a relationship. Most of all, I commiserated with her.

I affirmed who she was, the very woman God created her to be. I told her there likely wasn't a “reason” she was single. No, she wasn't perfect, nor am I. We're all works in progress but this rarely precludes us from relationships. We can all point to people who are married who are absolute disasters. While it's understandable to wonder why them and not us, we would not want to live those people's stories, no matter how God chooses to redeem them or their relationships. Instead, we're living the life God has put before us and it happens to include singleness.

This conversation happened a couple of years ago but it regularly comes to mind. So many churches focus on marriage and parenting from the pulpit and even much of society is geared toward couples. It's no wonder singles struggle to figure out their place in this world and yet no one should doubt their worth or impact because of their marital status. Especially not at a Christian conference, in this case, or at church.

When we treat marriage as a foregone conclusion, we lose sight of the sacrament and the people on the outskirts. What happens when a person doesn't get married? What does it mean for the person whose marriage ends? How does elevating marriage to such pristine heights benefit those who are married?

There is much discussion and many resources on how to do marriage well but very little out there devoted to singleness. This is a shame. Singles are valid and valued members of society. It would behoove the church to equip us to maximize this time in our lives, especially since we do not have a spouse or partner to help balance the load. It's time for a better message about singleness.

As more of us speak up, I sense the tides shifting as pastors listen and programs change and singles are valued and included on all levels of church leadership. But there's still much work to be done. I've sat across from too many singles questioning their lot in life because of their singleness. I wasted too many tears and hours of worry over my own single state in my early and mid-20s. I won't pass that down to the next generation. I refuse.

Singles are valuable, loved, seen. We need them in our lives. They play an integral role in the Body of Christ. There is room at the Table. I will keep proclaiming this until no more ears need to hear because it's no longer a new revelation, it's normal. May that day come soon.

Over at 31 Days of Interviews with Single Women

Brenda Rodgers at Triple Braided Life asked me to be a part of her 31 Days of Interviews with Single Women series. All October she's featuring single women who are making a difference. I'm honored to be included! I hope you'll head over to read my responses concerning the ups and downs of single life. See you over there!

(And if that wasn't enough, you can read my posts on singleness here.)

Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman: An Interview With Allison Flexer

I haven't had a chance to read Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman yet (if you could only see my To Read stack these days) but I'll never pass up the opportunity to promote someone who is engaging with the topic of singleness. As I scanned the Table of Contents, a few of the lies stood out to me especially. Like "because no one has chosen me, I'm not valuable" and "I'm not beautiful." They're definitely lies but on hard days it's difficult to grasp the truth. I'm not the only one who struggles with this and that's why I'm glad Allison has written this book. I know it will be healing for many.

I hope you'll enjoy reading through my interview with Allison. I'll be curious to hear what you think about her responses.

Heads up: Beacon Hill Press is giving away 10 copies of Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman on GoodReads.

 

 

1. What inspired you to write Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman?

My journey of prolonged singleness was difficult, especially in my thirties. I believed I was doing all the right things, but my dating relationships never resulted in marriage for one reason or another. I prayed for a husband for a really long time and found myself losing hope. In 2008, I quit my corporate job to take some time off. During those months, I rediscovered my love of writing. God led me on a healing journey through blogging and writing as he showed me the lies I had allowed to subconsciously creep into my life. “No one has chosen me, so I’m not worthy to be chosen. There is something wrong with me. God has forgotten about me.” I started writing about the lies and sought truth in the Bible so I would be armed to fight these lies that marched through my mind. Over the course of about four years, that healing journey turned into what is now Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman.

2. What do you think married people commonly misunderstand about singles or singleness?

I believe many married people, especially those who got married at a young age, don’t realize how difficult singleness can be. It’s tough to do life alone. Of course singles have friends and family, but it’s different than having a life partner, spouse, and built-in date to every event. In the book, I talk about how being single and going on dates during my mid-thirties made me feel childish in comparison to the big life changes my friends were experiencing, things like marriage and babies. Even though singleness definitely has perks—your schedule is completely your own and you can eat popcorn for dinner every night if you want—we shouldn’t overlook its challenges.

3. What are some ways the Church can support singles? Has this been your own experience with church?

This is a great question and definitely a loaded one! I devoted a chapter to this topic in the book. In my experience, it’s difficult for churches to maintain a vibrant ministry for singles or young adults. Many churches try to develop a community for their unmarried members, but in my experience, the result is either a group people attend to find someone to date, or it seems forced because marital status is the only thing these individuals have in common. I believe many singles feel like outsiders in today’s churches. There is so much focus on the family unit. Singles can easily feel left out. I don’t have the answers, but I know it’s important for sermons, activities, and groups to be presented in such a way that doesn’t alienate singles or make them feel like oddballs. We need to encourage singles and let them know they are loved and valuable. Tell them there is nothing wrong with them. Most of all, church communities need to love each other well, regardless of marital status or any other labels.

4. What was the scariest part about writing a book about singleness?

One of the scary parts was not wanting to be labeled as the “Christian Single Girl.” I aimed to share truth in the book instead of giving advice. I wrote the book while single, and I definitely don’t have all the answers. Everyone approaches singleness through their own individual filter, so there’s no magic solution. Writing a book in general is pretty terrifying, especially when you share your story and put it out there for people to critique. I pray the book will provide truth, hope, and
encouragement. Throughout the process, I kept saying that if God used the book to help or inspire one person, it would all be worth it!

 

Allison K. Flexer is an author, speaker, and blogger who is passionate about communicating the love of God to others. Her first book, Truth, Lies, and the Single Woman (Beacon Hill Press), tells the story of her single journey and gives practical steps for letting go of the lies that destroy the joy and confidence of unmarried women. Allison was also a contributing writer for Fulfilled: The NIV Devotional Bible for the Single Woman. You can connect with Allison on her website at www.allisonflexer.com or on Twitter: @allisonkflex.

The Time I Wore a Sweatshirt and Landed a Date

Once upon a time there was a graduate student. She worked very hard. When she wasn't in class or at fieldwork, she was studying or at work. In the summer, she worked full-time but she also had more margin for fun. She loved summer.

One weekend her best friend invited her to a friend's graduation party. It was held on the R's family farm and there was the promise of a cookout, live band, kegs, and camping. She couldn't say yes fast enough.

She and her best friend happily joined the festivities. She knew about a handful of people there and enjoyed meeting R's friends and family. She also enjoyed meeting the hot single guys in attendance. Let's be honest.

The afternoon gave way to evening and the cover band began to play. Mostly 80s songs. Everyone danced. Sheer perfection.

It grew chilly so she slipped away to the tent and grabbed her sweatshirt. She didn't want to miss out on 867-5309 or Jesse's Girl so she hurried back to the band and began dancing again.

Within seconds, a guy came over and yelled, "I-L-L."

She looked at him in puzzlement. What song was the band playing? Was this the same thing as yelling "salt" during Margaritaville or "so good" in Sweet Caroline?

"What," she yelled back.

"I-L-L," he yelled again, intent on gaining some sort of response.

Ill, she mused. Well, this made no sense. Why would he yell about being sick?

"I-L-L," he yelled again.

This was getting weird.

"I don't know what you're saying," she yelled back. She was irritated because he was interfering with her dancing time. Nobody put this baby in a corner.

Finally, a friend whispered loudly in her ear, "you're supposed to yell back I-N-I."

"And this matters because...?"

"You're wearing a University of Illinois sweatshirt."

Ah, yes. The sweatshirt she'd adorned to stave off the chill. The same sweatshirt she'd "long-term borrowed" from her friend Clay months ago. He went to U of I. She did not.

But the yelling guy was intrigued by the young woman in the U of I sweatshirt who knew nothing of school chants or mascots.

They began dancing and talking and later, while they sat around a bonfire, he asked her out.

There were many factors against this pairing. It was not meant to be.

But she never forgot the time this most unsexy of apparel landed her a date.

The end.