Leigh Kramer

Dating at Christmas

Two years ago a friend and I grabbed one of the last tables at 3rd and Lindsley. We ordered fried pickles and the hot salt perfectly melded with cool ranch dressing. A few feet away, Andrew Ripp belted out an a capella rendition of Joy to the World and the whole crowd clapped along. Christmas spirit descended in to our midst and there was no containing our joy.

Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors took the stage and it should have been enough but there my thoughts went wandering. All over a boy. Not much else would take my mind off of music. A few weeks prior, a much anticipated second date transpired. The kind of evening where you sense a third date will emerge. Only one hadn't. We'd fallen back in to the "will he or won't he" dance that permeated our interactions for months.

Sure, I became frustrated when it seemed the banter was going nowhere. But then he'd reference something obscure I'd told him and something told me to be patient.

 

I don't share much about my dating life but this story kept nagging me as the holidays drew nearer. Head on over to A Deeper Family to read the rest.

The Assumptions We Make (About Married People)

Yesterday I shared the response when I asked about the assumptions people make about singles and how to respond. Go ahead and read that post if you haven't yet and then come on back over.

Today it's time to hear from those who are married. Not being married myself, I had a few guesses about what people might say, thanks to countless observations and conversations with my married friends. Sure enough, those themes emerged. But like the response from singles, I was not expecting how much pain was still attached to these interactions.

Chances are these assumptions didn't happen the same day I asked about them. Yet calling those memories to mind, also called up the frustration and hurt. It's understandable and strengthens my resolve in furthering this discussion.

For whatever reason, many singles and marrieds are not communicating as well as they could be. As I mentioned yesterday, it's important to figure out ahead of time how to graciously respond when people make inaccurate assumptions about us. The only hope we have in correcting hurtful assumptions is by educating and then letting our lives speak for us.

Let's discuss the assumptions people make about married people and how we can respond.

The response on Storify:

 

 

I ask again: if you're married, what assumptions have people made about you? More importantly, how have you responded?

The Assumptions We Make (About Singles)

We've all been on the receiving end of assumptions, both positive and negative. If you think about it, we do a fair amount of unconscious assuming each day. We assume we will wake up in the morning when we go to sleep. We assume our friends will treat us well or treat us poorly, based on past treatment by them or others. We might assume positive intent when we interact with others. We assume we and our loved ones will not be in an accident, receive a diagnosis, and so on. We assume today will unfurl similarly to the day before it.

Our assumptions are rooted in how we were raised, what we were taught, what we've experienced. Sometimes they're rooted in ignorance. Sometimes they're due to miscommunication. They're not always wrong.

When we assume, we don't mean to hurt others. Not all assumptions do hurt others. Yet some certainly do.

Hurtful assumptions seem aimed at the core of who we are. When inaccurate assumptions are made about our marital status, sexual orientation, race, culture, career, socioeconomic class, religion, and so on, we hear someone say, "I know you better than you know yourself. I am right and you are wrong."

It can feel demeaning. Insulting. Belittling. We might feel shut down. We might want to retort with snark. If we're feeling gracious, we'll turn it into a teachable moment. More often than not, we're stunned speechless.

I've been on the receiving end of hurtful assumptions related to being a woman, single, social worker, probably even as a White Sox fan. The stories I could tell. The stories I probably will tell.

The other day, however, I wanted to know about your stories. I've been thinking a lot about assumptions lately, not only how they make us feel but how we can respond. So I asked on Facebook and Twitter and the responses came pouring in.

I wasn't surprised by most of the feedback but I was surprised by how much pain was attached to many of the responses. Clearly, I had struck a nerve.

I believe more strongly than ever it's important to figure out ahead of time how to graciously respond when people make inaccurate assumptions about us. The only hope we have in correcting hurtful assumptions is by educating and then letting our lives speak for us.

Today, let's discuss the assumptions people make about singles and how we can respond. Tomorrow, we'll take a look at the assumptions people make about married folks.

The response on Storify:

 

 

I ask again: if you're single, what assumptions have people made about you? More importantly, how have you responded?

Favorite Books On Singleness

I went out for dinner with a friend the other night and naturally we started talking about books. Specifically books about being single. There are tons of books on dating and relationships and there are tons of books that say they're about singleness but are really about dating and relationships. Not so much on the reality of being single, particularly for Christians. She wasn't aware of what's out there and so I gave her a couple of recommendations. We agreed it's an important topic.

Singleness is also a vast topic. I could easily list several aspects I'd like to see written about in print. This is why I'm so grateful for the authors who have written about singleness and have done it well. I often bring the following books up in conversation and I recommend them to those who are single, as well as those who are married. Some are non-fiction and some are memoir. All are worth reading.

Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church- Christine Colon & Bonnie Field

Set aside your preconceived notions about celibacy. This is the book I wish everyone, married and single alike, would read. Colon and Field explore a theology of sexuality in the context of singleness. But in defining celibacy and chastity, there's room for us all. The authors are single and in their 40s so their perspective and insights are especially relevant when it comes to discussing sexuality apart from the physical act of sex. Even if you have a more "liberal" ethic when it comes to sex, you'll find good takeaways. We can learn much from what they have to say about sex in the contexts of history, pop culture, and spiritual discipline. It's worth noting this is a more theoretical, than practical, approach.

 

Singles at the Crossroads: A Fresh Perspective on Christian Singleness- Albert Hsu

While I didn't agree with everything, it was the first book I read that addressed a theology of singleness. That's huge! Hsu explores the myth of the "gift" of singleness, examines the history of marriage and singleness, and offers insights on loneliness and community. Also a more theoretical, than practical, approach.

 

Now and Not Yet: Making Sense of Single Life in the 21st Century- Jennifer Marshall

In examining cultural shifts, Marshall uses a more sociological approach and as a result, the book is filled with relatable research and profiles of single women. But it also a deeply personal book, as well it should be. She examines what was, how the old approaches or assumptions don't really work today, and what we can do for now and for the future. This book made me want to stand up and cheer. Also, fun fact: I went to grammar school with Marshall's younger brother.

 

Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect- Connally Gilliam

One of the most honest books I've read exploring singleness. Gilliam is easy to relate to and she addresses even typically taboo subjects. Reading this several years ago encouraged me to be authentically engaged in my faith as it relates to being single. It's good to hear from a single woman making the most of her life, no matter what.

 

Orange Jumpsuit- Tara Leigh Cobble

Cobble's style is reminiscent of Don Miller and Shauna Niequist. This is her third book and while I haven't read the second, I'd argue it's her strongest work. She'd probably agree. There's a lot of her story that's similar to mine, though there are differences as well. The way she wrestles with God and sees Him in all things is encouraging, as is how she handles relationships. And while she does depict a romantic relationship here, it's equally important to see her wrestle with this season of her life and what singleness means to her.

 

The Beautiful Ache: Finding the God Who Satisfies When Life Does Not- Leigh McLeroy

Technically, this isn't a book about singleness. We are all waiting for something. But the author is single and has a unique perspective as a result.  McLeroy has a great way of exploring the tension between the imperfections of earth and the perfection awaiting us in heaven.

 

A Walk With Jane Austen- Lori Smith

Smith's account of her travels in England retracing Austen's steps directly impacted her faith and her experience as a Christian single.  This isn't a book on singleness but a memoir of an important time in her life. We need to hear these stories! I couldn't help but resonate with her experience. That she also explores Austen's body of work is the icing on the cake.

 

 

What other helpful books on singleness have you read or would you like to read?

Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports this site.

If, Not When

The sun warmed us as we sat on the dock and chatted, covering all manner of topics but eventually circling back to singleness. We were the only two there who had never been married.

She straightened in her deck chair and turned to look at me.

"You just said 'if' you get married. Do you not think you will?"

I looked out at the lake, the water gently lapping, and sighed. I don't know how long ago I swapped the when out. I've never been good at actively hoping for long unanswered prayers.

"I don't know," I told her. "Some days I feel like it will happen, like God has offered me some reassurance. Other days it seems impossible. We're not guaranteed a happy ending. There's a lot to like about being single and I think I should just resign myself. Stop getting my hopes up."

I swiped at the tear sliding down my cheek. We talked awhile and then headed inside to rejoin the group.

Friends ask about my dating life, assuming I meet eligible men left and right, and I love them for it. The truth is it's been almost two years since my last real date. I'd rather forget about the pseudo-dates sprinkled in between.

My goal is to go on a date by next fall. I don't know how this will happen. I've given online dating enough tries. None of my friends seem to know any worthy single guys and I've never had a knack for picking up a man in a grocery store, even when I've forgotten to take my name tag off. (True story. That happened last week.)

I was part of a tight group of friends throughout high school. While everyone dated each other, none of the guys wanted to date me. Or if they did, they never actually asked me out. My first date was a set up with the friend of a friend when I was 17. We went to see the Nutcracker ballet and it was fine and awkward, the way first dates can be. We never went out again.

Before I started college, people said I'd be batting interested guys away with a stick. Well, that line of interested guys never materialized. I certainly didn't need to bat anyone away. Maybe the occasional drunk guy at a frat party but a firm and gentle "no" usually did the trick.

The rest of my dating history has been filled with false starts and missed chances.

No matter how badly I wanted to be in a relationship, I've always had just enough discernment to say no to the guys who would be bad for me, to rebound relationships, to settling. But it doesn't take the sting away.

It seems impossible that I am 33 and have never been in a serious relationship. Impossible that I've never figured out a reason why or even that I feel there must be a reason. (I know there's not a reason.)

Look, I know I'm young. It could happen at any moment. I hope it does. But I also know marriage was never promised to me- to any of us.

When I was young, marriage was a given. People grew up and they got married. Sure, I knew a few people who married "older" but they were the exception to the rule. I never expected to be an exception. I know plenty of men and women my age and older who are still single, still waiting.

That's a lot of exceptions.

People tell me to be glad I don't have the baggage that comes with break ups and broken hearts but we all have baggage. We've all made mistakes.

There's real pain in the baggage of never being picked.

From not being pursued. From not being asked on a second or third date. From never hearing, "I love you" from the one you love.

It's a painful reality. Some days I'd give anything for there to be a reason because then I could fix it. But there isn't a reason. No matter what I've tried, the right man simply hasn't come along.

I say "if" to make peace with an unclear future and pray I'll accept whatever my lot may be.

While I wait, sit with me and listen. Let me wrestle it out. Let me have hope one day and resignation the next. Remind me of who I am. May that be enough.