Lately my mind has been wrapped up in the tension of waiting. The last few months I've found myself in an unexpected situation that has wavered between promise and uncertainty.
When I chose expectancy as my #OneWord2011, I could never have guessed all that the year would hold. I didn't know I would quit my job in June and devote myself to writing. I would have called you a liar if you'd told me my brother would get married and that my Grandma would die. I definitely couldn't have predicted the people I'd meet or the relationships that would be built.
I knew only that I wanted to live with more hope and find a better way to wait.
Back in January, I wrote:
...if I could anticipate that God is at work right this minute, that He is bringing forth something in my life that is more than I could ever ask or imagine. I think if I can be expectant in all of these ways, I will be an entirely new person by the dawn of 2012.
I am going to live with expectancy that as the year progresses, I will see traces of God at work and glimpses of what my dreams will be.
I admit that I didn't keep "expectancy" in mind every day. But as I look back on the past 11 months, the traces of God are so clear. I started counting the gifts and training myself to look for God all around me. I saw God do a work in and through me in ways big and small. And when the bad came, my prayers became less "why me?" and more "use even this."
With all the ways I found hope in the day to day, this current situation flummoxed me because it's the area in which I find hope to be fleeting. But I was determined to try. Expectancy: anticipating God's goodness even there.
And do you know? I have found it. Not in the ways I might like necessarily but it is there just the same. The belief that God is at work, that there is a lesson to be learned, that waiting can be good for this soul.
It seems timely then to consider Advent, the season in which we wait expectantly. The Jews fervently hoped for the Messiah then. We know how the the story unfolded, how it came to be that a Savior was born in a manger. We wait expectantly to remember and celebrate.
I was never the kid that tried to find her Christmas presents early and picked at the wrapping paper to see what gift lay beneath. To this day, I like the build of anticipation and wondering which presents I'll receive. I love being surprised by whatever my loved ones have chosen for me, even if it turns out to be something better suited for a White Elephant exchange.
In turn, I love finding the perfect gift for my friends and family. I love watching the expression on their face as they tear at the wrapping and see what I found. I love giving good gifts.
This year I've been reminded that all good gifts are of God. They don't come just once a year or because we deserve them. They are lavish and perfect and do we ever feel loved. Sometimes they arrive in the nick of time, sometimes they don't but it's all filtered through His hand. And really, I'd rather not know ahead of time how my life will unfold. Surprise and mystery can be good for us.
The thing is, waiting doesn't equal passivity. We are to do our part, control what we can control and act where we can act. My life is not on hold, nor does this consume all my waking moments.
I don't know how or if my current situation will resolve but when I find myself anxious about it, I choose to pray on my knees. There, close to the floorboards with my knees creaking, I remember that I don't need to know how it will all go. He knows. And I can trust that He has only good for me.
That is something I can expect and hope for. That is how I will wait.
What helps you during seasons of waiting?
Subscribe to HopefulLeigh and get my posts by email or feed reader (it's free!). Or you can “like” HopefulLeigh on Facebook and get my posts in your live stream.
