If your life was a Hallmark movie, the man of your dreams would have happened to go down your street while you were de-icing your car. He'd gallantly pluck the ice scraper from your hands and send you back inside to read and drink tea while he freed your car from its icy tomb. It wouldn't be enough to de-ice your car. He'd retrieve the snow shovel from the trunk of his car (he's always prepared) and start clearing your driveway. As he chipped away at the ice, he would also be chipping away at the ice around your heart.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, Mr. Right would be your precise kind of tall, dark, and handsome. He'd probably be white. His name would be Coop, Gridley, or Luke. He would be unconventional in some way, like wearing flip flops at the office or selling driftwood creations.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would find Mr. Right to be insufferable at first. Shakespeare himself would be inspired by your banter. No matter how you treat Mr. Right, he will remain loyal and persistent, ready to help you in your time of need.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, your life's calling would be clear. You would enter the pie baking contest, run a twee bookstore, or join the family business. You would rehab a house without prior experience. Opportunities land in your lap and you seize the day. You would be dedicated to your work because you believe in helping people or because you're a workaholic who needs to learn a lesson about the real meaning of life.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, every risk you take would pay off in spades. Therefore, your life is glorious. You are (Queen) Midas with gold everywhere. (I hate you.)
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you were probably dating or engaged to the Worst Guy Ever. Everyone knows this guy is a douchecanoe but you would be oblivious. Until you met the Best Guy Ever, who was bummed you were already dating/engaged to someone but he liked hanging out with you anyway. He believed you would see the light and wasn't bothered by your obvious lack of discernment. And then you did see the light and you broke up with Worst Guy Ever, even if it was at the altar on your wedding day. It's a good thing Best Guy Ever was already waiting in the wings.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would have the perfect wardrobe. You would wear dresses and heels to work or in the garden. Your hair would always look like you just left the salon. Most important, you would still look beautiful when you cry. Somehow your tears make you radiant in your distress. It is possible tiny flowers and rainbows bloom wherever your tears land.
But if your life was a Hallmark movie, your sorrows would be temporary, just like your bad luck. No one would stay mad at you for long because just look at you. So adorable, even when you're awful.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would win the lottery the first time you bought a ticket. Anna Wintour herself would save you a seat next to her during New York Fashion Week. Your first novel would be an instant best seller.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you'd have a secret. You would know you need to tell your special someone. You really should tell him. But you won't. You would let fear win. Because of that, the secret will come out at the worst possible time and you will believe you have lost everything. Your life is ruined. But take heart! Your life isn't ruined because true (Hallmark) love conquers betrayal and lies. Welcome to your second chance with Mr. Right.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would save the town- nay, you would save humanity- with one swiftly deployed marketing campaign.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would have a Sassy Best Friend and several peripheral acquaintances, whom you only see at celebratory occasions. Your SBF would tell you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it, because sassy is what sassy does. Your SBF would always listen to you, even when you complain about the same old thing. You would mean to listen to SBF but her problems just pale in comparison to yours. It's a good thing she's so understanding.
If your life was a Hallmark movie, you would learn the true meaning of Christmas: falling in love with a hot guy.
