Leigh Kramer

Favorite Memoirs About Singleness And Dating

Yesterday I shared Favorite Books On Singleness.  That list was getting so long I decided it made more sense to make the memoirs a separate post. I love a good memoir but there's something speical about memoirs that explore various facets of singleness. Even when I've held a different dating philosophy from the author. I always walk away feeling validated and as if I've learned as much about myself as I've learned about them. 

 

Data, A Love Story- Amy Webb

Fascinating story of how Webb figured out exactly how to craft her on-line dating profile to meet the man of dreams, using math and copious amounts of research. She is careful to say that her results are specific to her and the kind of man she was looking for. It was enough to make me almost consider giving on-line dating one last try. Almost.

 

 

 

 

 

Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin- Nicole Hardy

As much as I've been marginalized in the evangelical Christian church as a single woman, it pales in comparison to what LDS singles face. Still, I related to so much of Hardy's story. Well-written and thoughtful, I had a hard time putting it down. In the end, her marginalization and doubts about her faith led her to leave the church. I get it. I appreciated her honesty and her candor as she made that decision. It spoke so much to me.

 

 

 

 

 

Un-remarried Widow- Artis Henderson

I expected to be moved by Henderson's memoir and I was. I did not, however, expect any part of her experience, so different from my own, would resonate. Sentence after sentence wrapped around my heart and I've tucked those words away for further reflection. Henderson is a stunning writer and she deftly handles grief, loss, and forgiveness. I'm grateful she's lifted the curtain behind the military wives and families and given us a glimpse at the hard road they travel.

 

 

 

 

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance- Elna Baker

Anyone who can write about being a single Mormon in New York City and make me laugh out loud is fine by me. Baker is a gifted writer. This memoir is a true gem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Have I Ever: My Life So Far Without A Date- Katie Heaney

I couldn't stop laughing, relating, and nodding in solidarity. Recommended for my fellow single ladies, no matter how much or how little dating experience you have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclosure: Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through, any purchase you make supports this site.

Favorite Books On Singleness

Books on marriage still far (far!) outweigh books on singleness but it seems like books on singleness are making more of a splash when they are published. I hope this trend continues!

 

All The Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation- Rebecca Traister

At the top of my Books I Gush Over list, you'll find this one. This is a remarkable undertaking, not only because of the scope of Traister's research and interviews but because of how well it's compiled together. She manages to validate a number of singles' experiences, while also acknowledging her shortcomings, namely the bulk of her examples are white women in their 30s and 40s in NYC. However, she does feature stories from Women Of Color, as well as drawing from research and other works. What I loved is how validated I felt as a single woman. There was good food for thought- I especially loved the chapters about cities and friendship. There's also pointed critiques of society and religion, which is much needed in this age of marginalization. You don't need to be single to gain insights from this book- in fact, I'd encourage everyone to read it. But if you are single, you'll walk away feeling heard and seen and maybe even inspired.

 

 

Bachelor Girl: The Secret History Of Single Women In The Twentieth Century- Betty Israel

This is a thorough social history of single women, particularly in the United States and primarily white, and how their plight has changed over the years. The way Israel depicts the stigma single women faced in each particular era and the ways this stigma plays out still to this day is equally fascinating and horrifying. It made me grateful to be single now instead of then, even though singleness today is not without its own challenges. (This also highlights the need for books focusing on single women of color.)

 

 

 

 

Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone- Eric Klinenberg

Well researched look at the benefits of living alone, as well as societal bias against it. Klinenberg raises great questions about aging alone and the way legislation and health care is currently structured. The research is especially worth taking a look at. Keen minds will recognize Klinenberg as Aziz Ansari's coauthor for Modern Romance. (See below.)

 

 

 

 

 

Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After- Bella DePaulo

A fascinating and fair portrayal of the benefits of singleness, along with helpful critique of marriage and happiness studies. Ahem, married people are not more happier than singles, despite what poorly conducted and widely disseminated research says. DePaulo doesn't spend much time discussing her own singleness and very little time addressing singles who would like to be married. That weakened some of her argument for me but I still recommend this to anyone interested in the topic.

 

 

 

 

Spinster: Making A Life Of One's Own- Kate Bolick

Spinster is an exploration of singleness as the culmination, not the interim of life. Full of sound insights and observations, Bolick believes singleness is to be celebrated. It is enough in and of itself. But we have hardly any examples of what the fulfilling single life looks like. Part memoir, part biography, and part social science, Bolick considers her relationships and her resistance to marriage, while envisioning a fulfilling single life.

Woven through Bolick's own story are profiles of her 5 Awakeners: columnist Neith Boyce, essayist Maeve Brennan, social visionary Charlotte Perkins Gilman, poet Edna St. Vincent Millay, and novelist Edith Wharton. These women became her guides to what the single life could be about. As I read about each Awakener, it became clear why Bolick was drawn to them and what lessons they could teach her. Almost all of these women married at some point and then divorced, which seemed fitting for her fear of commitment. However, I could not relate to them, nor did I agree with many of Bolick's choices. While Bolick's life choices are very different from my own, I did relate to her quest for mentors and guides, as well as external affirmation of her decision to remain single, both of which resonated with me. (Full review here.) 

 

It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single- Sara Eckle

This book would have been so helpful to read in my early to mid-20s. I've worked through most of these "reasons" already but it was a helpful affirmation of where I'm at now. I like how Eckel wove in Buddhist philosophies and championed mindfulness- it made the book stand out from others along those lines. 

 

 

 

 

What are your favorite books on singleness?

Disclosure : Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through, any purchase you make supports this site.

What I'm Into (June 2016 Edition)

 

This past Wednesday marked my one year anniversary of living in San Francisco. I never imagined I'd still be living in the same house a year later- it was just supposed to be housesitting for a month until I found my own place! But living with my friends has turned out to be one of the best parts of this whole experience. I've learned so much and grown more into myself as a result. Thanks, SF. 

 

Read and Reading

Three high school misfits band together in their small rural town the debut YA novel The Serpent King (Zentner). It's their senior year and while they long to graduate, their futures do not all hold the same possibilities, making this a rich coming of age story. Questions of identity are raised: how well do we know ourselves and others, especially when people try to limit or make us smaller than we are. The impeccable character development and bold plot choices made this book hard to put down, as well as hard to forget. I could not love it more.

 

The Forbidden Wish (Khoury) is my favorite retelling of Aladdin yet. This time around we get jinni Zahra's perspective, from when she's trapped in the lamp to when Aladdin stumbles upon it and sets her free. She may have to grant him three wishes but she's trying to figure out a way to set herself truly free, even if that means manipulating Aladdin and hoping the King of the Jinn keeps his word. She is a true badass and I loved all the feminism flowing through the pages. Khoury is a marvelous writer for the way she introduces us to Zahra and her tragic past and how that directly impacts her relationship with Aladdin. I raced through the book, unsure how it would end even though I know how the story of Aladdin works.

 

At the top of my Books I Gush Over list, you'll find All The Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation (Traister). This is a remarkable undertaking, not only because of the scope of Traister's research and interviews but because of how well it's compiled together. She manages to validate a number of singles' experiences, while also acknowledging her shortcomings, namely the bulk of her examples are white women in their 30s and 40s in NYC. However, she does feature stories from Women Of Color, as well as drawing from research and other works. What I loved is how validated I felt as a single woman. There was good food for thought- I especially loved the chapters about cities and friendship. There's also pointed critiques of society and religion, which is much needed in this age of marginalization. You don't need to be single to gain insights from this book- in fact, I'd encourage everyone to read it. But if you are single, you'll walk away feeling heard and seen and maybe even inspired.

 

I'm joining the chorus to say every woman should read Come As You Are (Nagoski), whether single, married, virgin, lackluster or on fire sex life. I learned so much from Nagoski (her fact checking about the hymen blew my mind) and truly appreciated her resounding exhortation, "you are normal." Her insights will go a long way toward undoing the misinformation so many of us have been fed and even patriarchal oppression. I feel incredibly empowered!

Nagoski appeared on Smart Podcasts, Trashy Books to discuss Come As You Are, as well as her first romance novel How Not To Fall, which uses the pen name Emily Foster. Nagoski read Fifty Shades Of Gray in the course of her research and was so angry about it, she decided to write "a feminist, sex-positive, medically accurate way to tell a story about a college senior who experiences her sexual awakening at the hands of a more experienced man." Nagoski/Foster has an unusual writing voice, which is different from the tone of other romance novels out there. Annie, our heroine, almost addresses the reader directly and gives us all of her thoughts. She is finishing college and speaks with the slang and vernacular that's typical of a 22 year old. This was off-putting at times but didn't detract from my reading experience. Additionally, the two main characters are nerdy scientists and there's lots of science talk, some of which went over my head but it was unique enough, I didn't mind. It's an interesting coming of age tale, while also exploring how relationships succeed and fail and what our part is in all that. I had a hard time putting this one down and it made me feel so many different emotions, especially because it's a duology and does not end on a happy note. I am DYING to know what happens next. (I tweeted Nagoski and she told me book 2 comes out December 23. Yay!) I'm glad Nagoski decided to try her hand at writing romance because what she included and omitted was quite telling. On the Romance Novel Spice Scale, the sex scenes are very explicit- this is where the sex educator in her comes out to play- so skip this one if that's not your thing. (Disclosure: I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.)

 

As a long-time Top Chef viewer, I had a barebones sketch of Padma Lakshmi's life but it turns out she is so much more than what I had gleaned. There is much more honesty and vulnerability in her memoir Love, Loss, and What We Ate than I would have guessed and as such, her decisions don't always come across in the best light. Yet that's what makes the writing so compelling. I appreciated her advocacy for women's rights from the options for women growing up in India to how endometriosis has impacted her life and health. Plus, there was some fun behind-the-scenes on Top Chef. I haven't tried any of the recipes but there were plenty that made my mouth water.

 

You can see all the books I've read at Goodreads. 

Currently reading: The Complete Enneagram (Chestnut), The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness (Alexander), To Bless The Space Between Us (O'Donohue), Good Christian Sex: Why Chastity Isn't The Only Option- And Other Things The Bible Says About Sex (McClenaghan), Glass Sword (Aveyard), A Bollywood Affair (Dev)

(I read 35 books this month. A new record. Yay for stress reading!)

 

TV:

Must-see TV: Real Housewives of New York, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Southern Charm, Outlander

 

 

Music:

New: Twenty One Pilots, The Strumbellas, X Ambassadors

Listen to the What I'm Into playlist.

 

Podcasts:

I've been a big Gene Demby fan for a while now and love whenever he pops up as fourth chair on Pop Culture Happy Hour. But we no longer have to wait for his guest appearances! Code Switch has a podcast now and it is EXCELLENT.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books had a fascinating episode called Closing The Door at the Intersection of Religion and Sex, interviewing Dr. Kristen Nielsen Donnelly, who is conducting research about the relationship between romance novels, religion, and sex. I really enjoyed listening to their discussion of whether and how religion is portrayed in romance novels and novels with strong romantic themes. 

Invisibilia's second season finally started and it's blowing my mind per usual.

 

Things I Love:

• Alysa and I have been internet friends for a while so when it turned out she and her family would be in California for the summer, we conspired a get together. I drove down to San Jose to hang out with her and her kids for the afternoon and then we topped off the day with a baseball game and fireworks. It was so much fun to hang out in person, as well as meet her family, and I loved getting to talk baseball with her, too.

• Alysa found us a wonderful place for dinner: Delicious Crepes. The batter was vegan, which meant I got to eat crepes for the first time in ages because dairy-free crepes are hard to come by. It was incredibly delicious!

• Sweet B graduated from preschool (complete with cap and gown!) and I was honored to accompany the family to his graduation, followed by a fantastic dinner at Sunset Reservoir. 

• My friend/coworker Katie and I debriefed our VBS experience over mules and appetizers at Sunset Reservoir the next night. This could be the closest I get to Cheers.

• I happened to have the day off work when Senator Chris Murphy started his filibuster over gun control. I was glued to the coverage and so proud to be a Democrat. Similarly, I was over the moon when Representative John Lewis led his colleagues at Congress in a sit-in less than a week later. I highly recommend listening to Lewis's speech if you haven't already. I am hopeful for change thanks to these brave men and women.

• Rachel and I explored the Japanese Tea Garden. I could not get over how intentional every part of that place is, from how the stones are raked, to how the bushes are trimmed, to what's in the ponds with the koi fish. It was such a serene, peaceful experience. 

• We couldn't leave without getting tea. I tried Hojicha, which had a nice smoky flavor. I'm not much of a green tea drinker but I would totally get it again.

• Micha and I ordered our favorite Chinese food and watched Outlander together, along with taking prom photos in front of the sunset, before she headed out of town. It's been so fun to watch Outlander together this year and we're sad we won't be together for the finale. I'm really glad we made the most of this.

• My team at work has had our fair share of bonding experiences lately and this included cleaning out our rooms at the building we rent. Barbara, Sarah, and I transformed that place and had a good time in the process.

• I found my new favorite underwear at Naja and the company is even better than I guessed: they are all about social justice!

• I was way past due for a haircut, like two months past, and I finally got my act together and saw Gaby. She is such a miracle worker. I feel like myself again!

• My coworker Jason hosted a Pride BBQ and I helped him set things up in his awesome backyard patio. It was really fun getting to know more of the LGBTQ group at church, as well as catching up with friends. Good food, good conversation, great night. My only disappointment is not making it over to the Trans Parade, which was a few blocks away. Time got away from us!

• My friend Jennifer was in Palo Alto for a work conference so we met up for dinner at Oren's Hummus, which has the best hummus I've ever tasted. Truly incredible! It was great catching up with Jennifer and talking about all that's changed in Nashville since I moved away.

• I celebrated my one year anniversary of living in San Francisco by getting gelato from Holy Gelato with my friend Rachel and then going to the Moraga Steps, which is a gorgeous community-inspired project. It was super cold and windy but worth it.

• A friend gave me a free trial to Blue Apron so I gave it a whirl and was pretty impressed with all 3 meals they sent. I'm thinking it might be a nice treat once every month or so.

 

 

Favorite Instagram:

I'm going to miss this #ACEface while he's away.

(If you want to follow me on Instagram, my user name is leighkramer.)

 

 

 

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What have you been into this month? 

Disclosure : Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through, any purchase you make supports this site.