Catsitting

I don't want to jinx us and say spring is here but I have certainly enjoyed the warmer-for-Minnesota weather the last week or so. It makes me miss living in Nashville and San Francisco a little less, too. To be honest, as much as I know I'm in the right place, March was a hard month. I didn't think I'd still be job searching and living in temporary housing. And while my intuition is telling me to hang on, that something better is ahead, my life feels like it's on pause. It's a quiet life or maybe it's in hibernation so I'm trying to soak up the extra time to rest and relax. Because when I find work and then I go back to school, I have no doubt I'll look back on this time fondly.

Read and Reading

Girls In The Moon (McNally) was so lovely and bittersweet! It made me feel so nostalgic but I'm not sure for what. I loved how music and lyrics played such a central part of the plot. I loved the exploration of family dynamics and the roles we play. I loved Phoebe's growing sense of self and confidence as she visits her sister in NYC and seeks out answers to the questions her mother won't answer. And of course I loved her burgeoning relationship with Archer and how lyrics brought them together. There are a few loose threads at the end (will Phoebe and her best friend reconcile?) but it's true to life and because of all that ensues while she's in the city, I had hope she would at least know how to deal with situations back home. Phoebe has taken charge of her life and it made me proud.

Jeff Zentner can write the hell out of a book. His first novel The Serpent King was on my Favorite Fiction of 2016 list. I tried to keep my expectations in check for Goodbye Days. He exceeded them. I was truly blown away. (Full gushing review here.) 

I'm not entirely sure what I think about My Name Is Lucy Barton (Strout), other than I can understand why some of my friends loved it so much. Great writing and an interesting character study, even if it didn't really go anywhere.

When I first read the synopsis, I wasn't sure about Under Her Skin. However, I read an excerpt and I was instantly hooked. I decided to go wherever Adriana Anders wanted to take me and I'm so glad I did. The writing is gorgeous and the story unspooled at the perfect pace. There were lines that made me want to weep from the emotions they evoked. Ivan and Uma were such compelling, complex characters. We slowly learn what happened to Uma and see her find a safe place in Ivan. I loved watching their relationship unfold because of what they learned from each other. I was worried the plot would go in some predictable directions but it never did. It was fresh and I particularly appreciated how domestic violence was treated. Uma regains her confidence over the course of the novel and is a direct participant in reclaiming her life. The way Ivan handles his anger is mesmerizing and the particular lesson he needs to learn was so true to life. I could not have loved this book more! 

I am still swooning over The Player And The Pixie! I'm so glad Cosway and Reid teamed up for this rugby romance series because they are knocking it out of the park. I had no idea how they were going to make me root for Sean after what an arse he was in The Hooker and the Hermit but I now love him even more than Ronan, which is no small feat. Lucy saw right through his defense mechanisms and I'm so glad she did! I loved the bit of role reversal (especially given Sean's reputation!) and how Sean proved to be a quick learner.The character growth was top notch. The way Sean protected, defended, and cared for Lucy was stellar, particularly how this played out with the ending. True to form, I laughed out loud more than a few times.  

You can see all the books I've read at Goodreads. 

Currently reading: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness (Alexander), The Art Of Happiness (Dalai Lama), The Garden Of Small Beginnings (Waxman), The One Real Thing (Young), Virgin: The Untouched History (Blank)

TV:

Holy buckets to that huge plot twist in the last few episodes of Jane the Virgin. I did not see it coming at all and while it's sad, I think it opens up so many opportunities for the writers. I can't wait to see what happens next season!

I finally caught up on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and don't know what to make of the last few episodes. The first season was definitely stronger than the second season, although there were a few songs this second season that made me laugh so hard. We'll see where the third season goes. Is it too much to hope they'll be less Josh Chan-focused?

Music:

Loving: Secrets by Mary Lambert, Don't Mess With My Girl by Jon McLaughlin

Listen to the What I'm Into playlist.

Podcasts:

How To Be Amazing with Michael Ian Black is my new favorite. He asks such interesting questions! His interview with Tim Gunn particularly blew me away and the episode with Andy Cohen was delightful.  I plan on going through the archives and listening to them all.

Listen to Overdue's The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe simply for Craig and Andrew's reaction to trying Turkish Delight for the first time.

Code Switch's Safety Pin Solidarity is a must-listen. 

Highlights: 

• I've been helping my friend organize her office and realized I have all sorts of organizational wisdom. I regularly come up with things like, "put it on the To Do list, not the Today list" and then I wonder if I'm actually a genius.

• My friend Karin's house is becoming my home away from home. I love going over there for dinner or just hanging out with her and whoever else stops by.

• A few of my friends let me help them figure out their Enneagram type this month and I swear I was flying high the entire next day. Even better: one of them is already seeing a difference from knowing her type. I love it!!

• When you have so many library books, you make a sculpture out of them.

• I met Molly at Peace Coffee and got to learn more about the wonderful world of librarianship. So much fun!

• Sarah had Annie and me over for dinner and it was the best kind of night that starts with drinks and meanders through all kinds of conversational territory. 

• I'm taking care of Gus the Cat again and he has indulged me by sleeping in my lap at every opportunity.

• For St. Patrick's Day, Karin, Kristi, and I watched the classic known as Far and Away. Mostly we talked and then paid attention to the pertinent scenes. You know the ones.

• I'm part of a gathering that meets for dinner once or twice a month. I didn't make it in February because I was out of town so it was extra good to see everyone and get to know them better. We ended up having a really interesting discussion about friendship and loneliness.

• My friend Katie invited me to a Vision Board party and I had such a blast. I was completely in the zone, focused on the two boards I made (one for finding work and one for love) but I also enjoyed getting to meet her friends. I'm also super proud of the boards!

• I remembered I had a box of Candy Cane Joe-Joe's I left in the trunk of my car a couple of months ago after forgetting to bring them to a party. They never tasted more delicious!

• My friend Chris Ann likes to get lunch from this co-op place near her and the bison chili made me a believer.

• Alysa sent me the best cross stitch ever. It made my day!

• I procrastinate on getting my car's oil change for as long as I can but I finally took it in and it was so fast, they said I could just stay in my car while they took care of it. Maybe I'll stop procrastinating from here on out. 

• Claire and I met up at COCO Minneapolis and I was completely entranced by the building. I love places that hold so much history! It was also great catching up with Claire and talking about the Enneagram.

Favorite Instagram:

Every time I visit @karinkfarrington's house, I covet this giant book page artwork and ponder what book page I'd want to hang in my home. Let's be honest though: my answer will always start and end with A Prayer For Owen Meany. #booknerd
____________

Artwork by @fsmdesignco

(If you want to follow me on Instagram, my user name is leighkramer.)

On The Blog:

I wrote about the Enneagram and the difference between needing and wanting. Will I ever stop writing about the Enneagram? Doubtful. 

What I'm Into Link Up Guidelines:

1. Today’s link-up will stay open for one week. The next What I'm Into link up will be Monday May 1.  

2. Link the unique URL of your post, not your blog's home page. Readers peruse link ups months after the fact and you want to make it easy for them to find your What I'm Into post.

3. Please include the What I'm Into button or mention you're linking up with What I'm Into at Leigh Kramer.

4. Visit at least 2 other posts in the linkup!

What have you been into this month? 

Disclosure: Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through, any purchase you make supports this site.

While I was on The Practical Minimalists podcast to talk about the Enneagram last month, I noticed how often I said a type needed to "learn to be." Sometimes it was followed by a particular quality or lesson but often it was the literal state of being. While each type has its own driving need, it also has a pathway for growth which entails us shedding our fears.

When we decide not to listen to our fear anymore, we can begin recognizing we don't need to hide behind a mask in order for people to love and accept us as we are.

We can be ourselves. Fully.

I usually describe the Enneagram this way:

The Enneagram is made up of nine types which are oriented around root struggles. Each type has a corresponding great gift, the yin to their struggle’s yang. The goal of the Enneagram is that as we grow, we will embody more of our type's positive qualities and less of the negative qualities. We will be able to be our best, healthiest selves.

(Not sure what I'm talking about? Read this overview.)

As we embody more of our type's strengths, we're also learning to accept ourselves. And each type does this differently.

Our root struggles happen because of our insecurities and fears. Some types run toward people, while others want to hide. Some types focus on "work" (not necessarily their job) while others center around their image. Some want to keep the peace while others strike first and ask questions later. We may not all care what other people think about us but on a subconscious level, we're all curating the person we want others to see. 

It's exhausting. Our driving need to be needed, to be perfect, to avoid, and so on takes a lot of energy, whether or not we're aware of the pattern. 

Consider how you respond to the words "need" and "be." "Need" suggests some kind of hunger and the lengths we'll go to alleviate it. In contrast, my body almost relaxes at the thought of "be" or "being." It's serene and peaceful. It's a breath of fresh air.

You can also think of "being" as "resting." When we are truly ourselves, we are at rest with ourselves. We accept ourselves and that often means (other healthy) people accept us, too.

So how do we learn how to be? Let's take a look at each type.

Type One: The Need to Be Perfect

Ones have a driving need to live their life the Right Way. Their idea of the Right Way, that is. This results in overly high expectations for themselves and for others. Ones are their own worst critic and constantly review their actions and thoughts for how they stack up against their ideals.

Healthy Ones recognize and accept imperfections and mistakes are a part of life. Erring doesn't mean they're bad or defective. They accept themselves, imperfections and all. They trust their loved ones will do the same.

Type Two: The Need To Be Needed

Twos are driven to be close to others but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They see themselves as loving, well-intentioned people and believe they know what's best for everyone around them. But beneath that is the fear they're unworthy of being loved.

Healthy Twos recognize they don't need to help everyone else in order to be loved. They can help others for others' sake and put up boundaries where appropriate. They can prioritize their own needs. They can trust they are enough.

Type Three: The Need To Succeed

In their quest to succeed, Threes identify with a particular self-image they believe is more acceptable than their authentic selves; they can grow out of touch with who they are and what they really want. They become more concerned with doing or being whatever they believe will make them feel worthwhile, which can lead to a cycle of workaholism and competitiveness. No achievement is ever quite enough.

Healthy Threes realize the most important thing is to be their true selves. They don't have to earn love and acceptance through their achievements. They can rest in who they are.

Type Four: The Need To Be Special 

Fours want to avoid ordinariness. They fear they have no identity or personal significance and expend a lot of energy curating the image they present to the world, one which shows everyone just how different and unique they are. They constantly compare themselves to others, seeing where they fall short.

Healthy Fours know there's nothing wrong with being ordinary. In fact, they find freedom in no longer defining themselves by how different they are. They can rest in the knowledge there's nothing wrong with them. They already have everything they need to be loved and accepted.

Type Five: The Need To Perceive 

Fives guard their time, energy, and intellectual property like none other. They want to know and understand everything, in part to be self-sufficient but also to avoid looking foolish. This can lead to isolation and a lack of self-care.

Healthy Fives understand they already have what they need. They recognize how their single-minded focus in amassing knowledge or expertise can wind up keeping their loved ones at bay. They are able to see the world in a new way, one that's filled with possibility and those who care about them.

Type Six: The Need To Be Secure

Sixes are anxious and unsure of how to make decisions, avoid danger, and move forward in life. They need to have certitude and reassurance- from their loved ones and from authority figures. They don't trust their own abilities.

Healthy Sixes are able to accept not knowing the outcome of things. Instead of always scanning the horizon for danger, they become fully present and grounded in the moment. They trust they'll be able to handle the ups and downs of life.

Type Seven: The Need To Avoid Pain

Sevens try to fill up their emptiness with exciting experiences; they can become excessive in every area of life. They have difficulty distinguishing between their wants and needs. They'd rather focus on the next fun thing than deal with painful emotions or circumstances.

Healthy Sevens learn how to become present to their pain in order to move through it. They realize life is a gift and they have more than their fair share of blessings.  They know they don't have to be the life of the party to be loved.

Type Eight: The Need To Be Against

Eights are drawn toward intensity and control. They hate feeling weak or dependent and avoid it at all costs. They like to test boundaries and often believe rules were made to be broken.

Healthy Eights know how to be vulnerable with those who love them. They trust people- at least, their loved ones- are not out to get them. They are able to feel deeply benevolent toward themselves, others, and the world.

Type Nine: The Need To Avoid

Nines avoid anything that will upset inner tranquility. They tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They resist putting out energy to being fully here.

Healthy Nines are empowered to participate dynamically in their lives. They trust people will still care about them when they assert their opinions. They play a powerful role in creating a healing, harmonious environment for themselves and others. 

If you take away anything from reading this, let it be this: You. Are. Enough.

You are worthy of love and acceptance simply because you're you.

Working through your type's pitfalls will help you grow into accepting these truths. It's not easy. There's a reason we developed these patterns to protect ourselves, after all. When we let go of our needs, our driving motivations, we open ourselves up to a new way of approaching life and, in return, we can experience a healthier relationship with ourselves and with others. 

Related:

Favorite Books On The Enneagram

They Can't Kill Us All: Ferguson, Baltimore, and a New Era in America’s Racial Justice Movement- Wesley Lowery

Synopsis

A deeply reported book that brings alive the quest for justice in the deaths of Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, and Freddie Gray, offering both unparalleled insight into the reality of police violence in America and an intimate, moving portrait of those working to end it.

Conducting hundreds of interviews during the course of over one year reporting on the ground, Washington Post writer Wesley Lowery traveled from Ferguson, Missouri, to Cleveland, Ohio; Charleston, South Carolina; and Baltimore, Maryland; and then back to Ferguson to uncover life inside the most heavily policed, if otherwise neglected, corners of America today.

In an effort to grasp the magnitude of the repose to Michael Brown's death and understand the scale of the problem police violence represents, Lowery speaks to Brown's family and the families of other victims other victims' families as well as local activists. By posing the question, "What does the loss of any one life mean to the rest of the nation?" Lowery examines the cumulative effect of decades of racially biased policing in segregated neighborhoods with failing schools, crumbling infrastructure and too few jobs.

Studded with moments of joy, and tragedy, They Can't Kill Us All offers a historically informed look at the standoff between the police and those they are sworn to protect, showing that civil unrest is just one tool of resistance in the broader struggle for justice. As Lowery brings vividly to life, the protests against police killings are also about the black community's long history on the receiving end of perceived and actual acts of injustice and discrimination. They Can't Kill Us All grapples with a persistent if also largely unexamined aspect of the otherwise transformative presidency of Barack Obama: the failure to deliver tangible security and opportunity to those Americans most in need of both.

They Can't Kill Us All is a galvanizing book that offers more than just behind-the-scenes coverage of the story of citizen resistance to police brutality. It will also explain where the movement came from, where it is headed and where it still has to go.

Buy The Book Here:

Amazon | Barnes & Noble

My Review - 5 Stars

Like many, I first remember encountering Washington Post journalist Wesley Lowery in the days after Michael Brown was killed by Officer Darren Wilson in Ferguson, MO. I was glued to Twitter, hungry for information to counter the helplessness and anger I felt. He was one of the first journalists on the ground and his observations and insights were immeasurable. And that was before he and fellow journalist Ryan Reilly were arrested by the Ferguson police in an act of intimidation. 

When I found out Lowery had written a book, I knew I wanted to read it but I wasn't sure what the experience would be like. After all, this is not a light topic. This book blew me away. I could not put it down. It's incredibly engaging and riveting. We learn more about Lowery's background, as well as how his journalism career began. We see the string of events that sent him to Ferguson and how coverage there- combined with Twitter- changed everything. We see how his coverage of Mike Brown then led to covering the many other senseless killings since by those sworn to protect us. Lowery intersperses this by spotlighting the activists he met along the way, many of whom I was familiar with but did not know much about beyond their tweets. He also looks at the history that formed this narrative of police violence (for a more in-depth look, I recommend The New Jim Crow.) 

All this is compelling enough but I particularly appreciated Lowery's perspective as a journalist. Why he covered things the way he did. The mistakes he made. (He addresses a specific tweet in which his bias showed. I hadn't really thought about the way journalists use Twitter before.) How covering the deaths of People of Color affected him as a POC, especially when so few officers are held accountable even in the face of video proof.  

This is an important book. It's one of the books I wish everyone would read. Especially those who don't understand the events in Ferguson, the Black Lives Matter movement, or how it's possible to advocate for justice within the police system while valuing the work the police do. For those who do understand all of those things, this will serve as a reminder of the events of the past few years and why it's important to continue fighting for justice for Trayvon, Mike, Eric, Sandra, and too many more names who have been added to the list.

Disclosure: I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links included in this post.

Goodbye Days- Jeff Zentner 

Synopsis

Can a text message destroy your life?

Carver Briggs never thought a simple text would cause a fatal crash, killing his three best friends, Mars, Eli, and Blake. Now Carver can’t stop blaming himself for the accident and even worse, there could be a criminal investigation into the deaths.

Then Blake’s grandmother asks Carver to remember her grandson with a ‘goodbye day’ together. Carver has his misgivings, but he starts to help the families of his lost friends grieve with their own memorial days, along with Eli’s bereaved girlfriend Jesmyn. But not everyone is willing to forgive. Carver’s own despair and guilt threatens to pull him under into panic and anxiety as he faces punishment for his terrible mistake. Can the goodbye days really help?

Buy The Book Here:

Amazon | Barnes & Noble

My Review - 5 Stars

Jeff Zentner can write the hell out of a book. Let's just start there. His first novel The Serpent King was on my Favorite Fiction of 2016 list. I tried to keep my expectations in check for Goodbye Days. He exceeded them. I was truly blown away.

There were four things I especially loved about this novel: the characters, the depiction of grief, the writing, and the setting.

The characters: We see everything from Carver's point of view. We meet his best friends Mars, Eli, and Blake - the Sauce Crew- through Carver's memories but somehow they are as present as if they were living, breathing characters. I felt like I truly understood who they were, even though their deaths permeated each page. Whether Carver was remembering Sauce Crew antics or how he met each one of his friends or even imagining what they'd say to him now, his friends are still a part of him. Sauce Crew was the bulk of his social life and without them around, Carver has only his sister Georgia and Eli's girlfriend Jesmyn. Carver has a hard time opening up to his parents about everything and it was hard to watch this at times because of how much they wanted to be there for him. Yet that's almost an essential part of the teenage experience, is it not? 

As Carver and Jesmyn lean more on each other, he has to face some hard truths about his feelings for her. I loved seeing how their friendship developed and how they helped each other grieve, despite the elephant in the room. Jesmyn's backstory and character took the novel in such interesting directions, particularly her synesthesia. The role of creativity in general added an extra depth because they all go to an art academy and each one has their own gift. (Blake's talent was the most unusual and unexpected.) The parents and grandmother of the deceased friends occupy a different space in the novel. They are alternately the angels and devils on Carver's shoulders; some absolving him and some condemning him. I felt their anguish and their despair and their determination to find a new normal. This was important to see, even if it wasn't always comfortable. 

The depiction of grief: Watching Carver mourn the loss of his best friends was very moving. He's not spared from his grief in any way. Zentner gives us an inside look at panic attacks, anxiety, and the trauma of grief. I appreciated the emphasis on the benefit of therapy, with medication as needed.

Each family represents a different mourning style and shows the aftereffects of loss. Some grief is healthy, some is not but there's no moralizing or prescription of how it should go. It rang true to life. As readers, we must grapple with the guilt intertwining Carver's grief. Did he play a role in his friends' deaths? Should legal action be taken against him? Not even he can accurately gauge the answers to those questions. 

I also look at this through a professional lens. I specialized in child and teen bereavement while I was a hospice social worker. In those cases, we expected the death of a parent or grandparent. Grief is an unwieldy beast, whether or not you know your loved one is dying. Still, there's an extra layer to grief when the loss is unexpected, especially when the person who died is young.I really liked the idea of a "goodbye day" as a tool. I paid keen attention to the interactions with Carver's therapist and it sounded a lot like what I would have said or recommended. 

The writing: So many lines knocked me over. From the descriptions to unique turns of phrase, this is a well-crafted novel. The writing isn't static. Each word, each chapter moves us forward and makes us curious about the characters and what might happen next. This could have been a heavy topic- and he doesn't shy away from exploring it- but it's emotionally resonant and there's still a good amount of humor. I laughed out loud way more than I was tempted to tear up. His writing sparkles. 

Here are a few of my favorite passages:

"People take shelter under clichés. Language is powerless enough in the face of death. I guess it's asking too much for people to veer from the tried-and-true under such circumstances." p. 17

"There was probably some period when we weren't best friends and inseparable. Days. Maybe weeks, even. But in my memory, from that day on we were as good friends as we'd ever be. It's funny how memory cuts out the boring parts. And that makes it a good story editor." p. 133

"For the most part, you don't hold the people you love in your heart because they rescued you from drowning or pulled you from a burning house. Mostly you hold them in your heart because they save you, in a million quiet and perfect ways, from being alone." p. 190-191

The setting: Zentner said he wanted to write a love letter to Nashville and boy did he. I lived there for 5 years (Full disclosure: I've never met Jeff but he's fun to follow on Twitter) and it is one of my favorite cities. He seamlessly wove in the neighborhoods, parks, and places, many of which I adored. He brought the city to life and I loved knowing exactly where he was describing. Nashville is certainly not perfect (I could give you a list) but it is wonderful in so many ways and this rang true throughout the novel. It's a great place for creatives and it rooted the novel in a hundred different ways.

You may wonder how life-giving a novel about the consequences of driving while texting can be. But this was life-giving because it didn't shy away from the harder parts of grief. It's hard to mourn our loved ones. I can only imagine how I would have responded had my best friends died in high school. At the same time, I have experienced loss and reading about others who grieve, even if they operate differently from me, is part of the healing process. It shows we're not alone and we can get through hard times. It's been a few years since I lost a loved one and I still benefit from those reminders. Plus, this novel is really about what it means to live and that's what made it such an enjoyable read.

Giveaway

I loved Goodbye Days so much, I want to give a copy of it away! (This is with my own cash money.) Giveaway is open to anyone, so long as you can receive a Kindle or Nook copy of the book. Giveaway ends tomorrow 3/14/17. Winner will be contacted by email and have 48 hours to acknowledge their prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclosure: I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links included in this post.