Mallahide Castle, Dublin 

When your month kicks off with a trip to Ireland, you know it's going to be an interesting ride. The past few months I had a good feeling about June (#TheMonthOfLeigh) and overall, it's been a great, if unexpected month. I had an amazing time in Ireland, I started and withdrew from the MLIS program, and I chased down some job leads. In the meantime, I focused on the best part of living in the Twin Cities: friends. I keep telling people: "my life is weird but I like it." This is why.

 

Read and Reading

  

Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (David) absolutely blew me away. It's about how we can best navigate life's ups and downs. Emotionally agile people are able to adapt to whatever life throws at them and stay true to their values, as well as grow stronger and healthier. It's a wonderful blend of story, research, and practical advice. David really gets into our motivations and the habits that trip us up and how small changes can change everything. Some of the concepts were empowering, others confirmed what I've already been doing. If you like Brene Brown or you know your Enneagram type, this book is completely up your alley.Even if you aren't into Brene or the Enneagram, you should still read this book. It's truly helpful and clarifying. Highly recommended.

 

I cannot believe how much I loved 180 Seconds (Park)! Allison was in foster care for the first 16 years of her life before she was adopted by a single gay man. Four years have passed and she's in college now but she still doesn't trust people easily or sometimes at all. She goes to class and otherwise stays put in her room, unsure of how to respond to people's overtures. Then one social experiment changes everything- and I do mean everything. As she and Esben stare into each other's eyes for 180 seconds, they experience a connection that's real and true and unexpected. There were some wonderful insights about foster care, social media, and how scary it can be to open yourself up to the idea of being loved. Such a moving story, especially the way Allison is transformed as she begins to trust the people in her life and the way Esben's social experiments factor into their lives. Speaking of which, where do I find a real life version of Esben? I haven't read this author before but I'm officially hooked. (Disclosure: I won a copy of this through a Goodreads giveaway but opinion is my own.)

 

The Whole Way Home (Creech) is an insider's look at life in Nashville and the country music scene. The story enveloped me, thanks to the rich prose, and made me miss living there even more. (Loved the cameos of some of my favorite places!) The juxtaposition of radio commentary, the careers of two established performers, and one up and coming band made for fascinating reading. I don't like country music but I loved the music scene in Nashville and the depiction rang true to me. Jo is a fierce character and I appreciated how hard she had to work to get where she was, especially as she figures out what concessions she'll need to make in order to keep her career. I loved the flashbacks to Jo and JD's hometown, as we see what brought them together and what drove them apart. Similarly, I really enjoyed Denver and Alan's perspective, particularly how race is a factor in making it in country music. The book raises great questions about identity, how the past defines our present and future, and whether we can ever really go home again. This would be great for book clubs. Read it with a glass of sweet tea by your side and be prepared to be swept away.

 

A Court Of Wings And Ruin (ACOTAR #3) was so satisfying to read! Such an amazing continuation of the series. Feyre, Rhysand, and company go through quite a lot to defend their land from Hybern but the plot developments made sense and always moved the story forward toward the inevitable conflict. Feyre's character growth was incredible. Feyre and Rhysand's relationship continued to make me swoon- the way Maas built it from the ground up in book 1 continues to amaze me. Nesta was a force to reckon with and I hope we'll get her point of a view as the series continues. I fiercely love Cassian, Azriel, and Mor and I'm curious to see how Maas will continue their stories as well. The sacrifices they each made in this book were incredible. The Night Court's bond just made me so happy, even when they were taking risk after risk. My heart was in my throat for at least half of this novel because Maas does not mess around and there were a few moments where I truly despaired for my favorite characters but there was the right amount of magic and redemption to bring it all home.

   

You can see all the books I've read at Goodreads. 

Currently reading: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness (Alexander), The Art Of Happiness (Dalai Lama), Write Naked: A Bestseller's Secrets to Writing Romance and Navigating the Path to Success (Probst), Milk And Honey (Kaur), Strange The Dreamer (Taylor), Fast Connection (Erickson and Hassell)

   

Music:

New discoveries: Catflish and the Bottlemen, Drew Cole, MILCK, Say Lou Lou, FLETCHER, Jess Glynne

Listen to the What I'm Into playlist.

 

Podcasts:

The Popcast aired its 200th episode! Congrats, Knox and Jamie. 

Code Switch's What To Make Of Philando Castile's Death, One Year Later is a must-listen.

Reply All's Friends and Blasphemers freaked me out about the intersection of LiveJournal and Russia. If you ever used that platform, you might want to pay attention.

Invisibilia came back and I loved everything about their new season/concept album, except it was too short. 

Fresh Air's interviews with Roxane Gay, David Sedaris, former Vice President Joe Biden, and Senator Al Franken.

 

Highlights:  

• DUBLIN. I'm not going to go into every little thing I did during the trip but suffice it to say it was truly magical. I went to Ireland in 2006 and only spent a day and a half in Dublin so it was wonderful to come back and explore more of the city. There were so many places I didn't get to, which only means this is a country I'll have to return to again and again. As if I needed an excuse!

• Karen Huber and I have been blog friends for a few years and it was an absolute treat to finally meet her in person. She picked me up from the airport and took me straight to Mallahide Castle (picture at the top) where we had breakfast at the cafe and then explored the grounds. A beautiful place and a cuppa tea meant I was completely at home.   

 

• We went to the Yeats exhibit at the National Library and then the National Museum- Archaeology, where I was quite impressed with the Viking display and the part with the preserved remains found in the bogs. (It sounds crazy and it is but also awesome.) We stopped at a couple bookstores, then drove through Phoenix Park, and ended the day with the best burger of my life at Bunsen. Karen was an amazing hostess. It was such a good day!

• Day 2: Chris, Micha, and Ace arrived- the reason for the trip! Such a great reunion with my dear friends. We had an amazing Irish breakfast at Hatch & Sons. Then we did a little shopping and spent some time basking in the sun at Trinity College.

 

• We perused the art at the National Gallery- my favorite pieces in the European exhibit were William Leech's The Sunshade, Paul Signac's The Terrace, Saint-Tropez, and Lyonel Feininger's Umpferstedt III.

• We went to Merrion Square Park, which was beautiful and which boasts the Oscar Wilde Memorial. I loved the quote sculptures and Wilde's statue. So cool!

 

• We went to The Oarsman for dinner where we each ordered a pint and fish and chips. I'm not a seafood lover at all but I cannot get enough of fish and chips. Loved the ambiance of this restaurant- the staff was super friendly!

 

• Day 3: Micha, Ace, and I had a leisurely morning, then lunch at Bunsen, a little shopping, and then a different exhibit at the National Gallery.

• We decided to see if there was a line for the Book of Kells exhibit- and there wasn't! The exhibit was really well done but the best part was getting to go through The Long Room afterward. I was like a kid in a candy shop! It's a beautiful library and I wished so badly I could take out some of the books in those stacks. I could have wandered around, taking it all in, for hours.

 

• After walking back to our Airbnb in the rain, we were ready to relax. Chris brought home pizza from Paulie's and my Greek pizza was AMAZING. We capped off the night by watching Hasan Minhaj's comedy special Homecoming King and it lived up to the hype. So good!

Look at that clotted cream.

• Day 4: we enjoyed the Floral Afternoon Tea at the Shelbourne Hotel. Truly, it was the stuff of dreams. The food- tea sandwiches, scones, and dessert- and presentation was amazing. I loved both kinds of tea I tried. It was a lovely splurge and I'm so glad we did it!

• Next we headed to Dublin Castle and explored the grounds. Then we enjoyed specialty whiskey sours- rhubarb for me- at the Jameson Distillery, which has greatly expanded since the last time I was there. On our way back, we stopped by Christ Cathedral Church, which was gorgeous. For dinner, we went back to the Oarsmen for another round of fish and chips and a pint. It was the perfect way to end my trip! 

• I was super sad to say goodbye to my friends, especially once my flight home was canceled after a 4 1/2 hour delay. I did not love that at all. But I did love how my fellow travelers bonded over the experience and helped one another out. The airline staff on the ground did their best and were so gracious in the midst of a frustrating situation. My hotel room was cozy that night and my flights the next day were smooth sailing.

 

• Skyping with my brother, sister-in-law, and the kids. Technology never ceases to blow my mind. If I can't be with my favorite kiddos, at least we get to see each other through a screen.

 

• Hanging out with Annie and Foxy. I've got to soak it up before they move away!

• Seth Crocker was in town for dinner and staying with Addie so I headed over there for dinner. The kebabs were delicious! The view was incredible! (I told Addie and Andrew not to be surprised if they come home sometime and I'm just hanging out in their backyard.) Best of all, it was fun getting to know Seth in person.

 

• Catching up with Molly at Peace Coffee

 

• A fresh haircut from Amy at Rue 48 Salon. I feel like myself again!

 

• The iced tea at Urban Bean Coffee

• Dinner with Kristin and Karin at Bonfire Restaurant. I hadn't seen Kristin since we graduated from high school but it was like time never passed. Kristin lives in England now and I'm trying to figure out how soon I can go visit. I'm so grateful for reconnecting with these friends!

 

• I found some great shirts for work and a purse that was perfect for traipsing through Dublin from thredUP. I cannot get over the deals they have! 

 

• Phone calls with my friends Kibibi and Laura and my cousin Adam. 

 

• Hanging out with Haley and Becca, which inevitably led to me getting out my Enneagram cards. I will never stop geeking out over the Enneagram!

 

• After hearing various podcasts mention ThirdLove for months and needing to get new bras, I decided to give it a try. I've been wearing their bra for about a week and I have to say I'm a total convert. With ThirdLove, you can wear the bra for a month and if it's not right, you can send it back at no charge. (They donate the used bras.) Plus, they have half sizes, which is revolutionizing my life. I'm pretty sure I found a keeper.

 

• Helping Kristin figure out her Enneagram type. It was great getting to see her one more time before she headed back to England.

 

• Bahn Mi Pizza. Life-changing I tell you!

 

• This afternoon I'm headed to Chicago for a weekend with my best friends. I can't wait!

 

 

Favorite Instagram:

 

 From the cobblestones to the Royal Chapel, I could not stop swooning over Dublin Castle. The history this place has witnessed for centuries! Be still my heart. #leighabroad 

(If you want to follow me on Instagram, my user name is leighkramer.)

 

On The Blog:

I shared why I decided not to get a second Masters degree after all in Changing Course. 

 

 

What I'm Into Link Up Guidelines:

1. Today’s link-up will stay open for one week. The next What I'm Into link up will be Tuesday August 1. 

2. Link the unique URL of your post, not your blog's home page. Readers peruse link ups months after the fact and you want to make it easy for them to find your What I'm Into post.

3. Please include the What I'm Into button or mention you're linking up with What I'm Into at Leigh Kramer.

4. Visit at least 2 other posts in the linkup!

 

 

 

 

What have you been into this month? 

Disclosure: Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through, any purchase you make supports this site.

My Glory Was I Had Such Friends - Amy Silverstein

 

My Review - 5 Stars

It is rare to read a book and feel grateful to have read it. Not in the "that was a great book!" sense but in a "this book is changing me for the better" way.

I'm going to admit right off the bat I had high hopes for this memoir. A celebration of friendship and an insider's look at illness and dying? SOLD. I was pretty sure I'd like it but truly, it exceeded all expectations and that is all because of the author.

Amy Silverstein had a heart transplant at age 25 in 1988. At the time, her doctors predicted she might live another 10 years at best. Instead 26 years passed, during which time Amy married her husband Scott (who proposed while she was in the hospital awaiting the transplant!), finished her law degree, adopted a son, and amassed a wonderful collection of friends.

People think once you get a heart transplant, life goes back to normal but Amy shows this is not the case. While she's lived a full life, she's also had to be vigilant about her health, dealing with numerous hospitalizations and close calls along the way. There's so much I hadn't realized about post-transplant life. When the book begins, she's learned her transplanted heart is failing and she'll need to undergo another transplant. This is not an easy decision for her and she does not hold back on taking readers through her mindset about whether to take on the odds.

After hearing about her medical history, I have no idea what decision I would have made in her shoes. In the end, she decides to go for it and her friends immediately rally around her. Since Amy and Scott will have to relocate to LA for several months, nine of her friends decide they will take turns flying out and keeping Amy company while she waits for a heart.

Talk about greater love! 

I don't know if I've ever read a memoir that details the dynamics of a group of friends. Often friendship memoirs focus on one friend or if they mention more, those friends are not connected to one another. Amy's friends come from different parts of her life- childhood to law school to where she lives- and most have met before or are even close friends themselves. I loved seeing how they related to one another and how their bond grew as they supported Amy.

We learn about each friend- how Amy knew them, what made their friendship unique, their personality and some of their history. We see how they support Amy and when they get it wrong. It is a beautiful and loving portrayal of friendship. It made me think about how I support my friends and what I will do when my friends go through chronic or terminal illness. (I say "when" because it is bound to happen. I've walked alongside enough family members to know that.) 

This is an honest and unflinching portrayal of friendship and end of life issues. Her friends fight some of her medical decisions and do not always listen to her exhaustion in the face of her illness. They don't want her to give up, yes, but sometimes they forget to respect what she's gone through. Getting to listen in on the resulting conversations was powerful. Amy does not always come across as the best and admits it but we also get to see her grow and learn through the process of how sick she gets and as she confronts her mortality. At the same time, there is a lot of light in this book. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I cannot emphasize enough how much I loved Amy's husband and friends. The sacrifices they made (that they do not view as sacrifices) inspired me.

Amy is a gifted writer and I'm so glad not only that she received a new heart in time but that she was able to write this account for us. It was incredibly moving and life-affirming. I will be encouraging my friends to read it and I'll be reflecting on its message for some time to come. 

The title- a line from Yeats- is apt. May we all be so blessed. 

 

Synopsis

In this moving memoir about the power of friendship and the resilience of the human spirit, Amy Silverstein tells the story of the extraordinary group of women who supported her as she waited on the precipice for a life-saving heart transplant.

Nearly twenty-six years after receiving her first heart transplant, Amy Silverstein’s donor heart plummeted into failure. If she wanted to live, she had to take on the grueling quest for a new heart—immediately.

A shot at survival meant uprooting her life and moving across the country to California. When her friends heard of her plans, there was only one reaction: “I’m there.” Nine remarkable women—Joy, Jill, Leja, Jody, Lauren, Robin, Valerie, Ann, and Jane—put demanding jobs and pressing family obligations on hold to fly across the country and be by Amy’s side. Creating a calendar spreadsheet, the women—some of them strangers to one another—passed the baton of friendship, one to the next, and headed straight and strong into the battle to help save Amy’s life.

Empowered by the kind of empathy that can only grow with age, these women, each knowing Amy from different stages of her life, banded together to provide her with something that medicine alone could not.  Sleeping on a cot beside her bed, they rubbed her back and feet when the pain was unbearable, adorned her room with death-distracting decorations, and engaged in their “best talks ever.”  They saw the true measure of their friend’s strength, and they each responded in kind.

My Glory Was I Had Such Friends is a tribute to these women and the intense hours they spent together—hours of heightened emotion and self-awareness, where everything was laid bare. Candid and heartrending, this once-in-a-lifetime story of connection and empathy is a powerful reminder of the ultimate importance of “showing up” for those we love.

 

About Amy Silverstein

Amy Silverstein is the author of Sick Girl, which won a “Books for a Better Life Award” and was a finalist for the Border’s Original Voices Award. She earned her Juris Doctor at New York University School of Law, has served on the Board of the United Network of Organ Sharing (UNOS), and is an active speaker and writer on women’s health issues and patient advocacy. She lives in New York.

Find out more about Amy at her website, and connect with her on Facebook.

 

 

 

Buy The Book Here:

Amazon | Barnes & Noble | HarperCollins

 

 

Disclosure: I received an ARC from HarperCollins and TLC Book Tours in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links included in this post.

Photo by Bruno Bergher on Unsplash

 

Two summers ago I shared the Best Podcasts for a Road Trip. I was fresh off of moving across the country to San Francisco and that meant I'd listened to a ton of podcasts. 

This past fall, I undertook another 35+ hour drive to move to Minneapolis. Again, I listened to a lot of podcasts. I also gave audiobooks another try and this time I actually paid attention (romance novels for the win) so audiobooks are now a part of my road trip arsenal. Maybe podcasts were my gateway to actually making audiobooks a useful endeavor.

In any case, I still primarily listen to podcasts while I'm driving and there continue to be so many amazing ones, I thought it was worth giving more brand new recommendations.

Road trips are the perfect time to dive into the archives of your favorites and try out new podcasts. Enjoy!

(If there's a podcast you love and they have a Patreon account or use affiliate links, consider supporting them. Podcasters work so hard to give us amazing content, often with little to show for it. Think of it like a magazine or newsletter subscription.)

 

Best Podcasts For a Road Trip

Another Round

Heben and Tracy have a great dynamic and their segments range from informative to hilarious. Their enthusiasm for their guests and topics is contagious!

Recommended episodes: 

Padma Lakshmi

Valerie Jarrett

Hilary Clinton 

Ta-Nehisi Coates

Lin-Manuel Miranda- I loved how much they geeked out with one another!

Water Protectors and Fear Allerton interview with Dr. Adrienne Keene- fantastic resource concerning the Dakota Access Pipeline.

The Longform Podcast interviewed the hosts of Another Round and, as always, it made for fascinating listening. It was great getting to learn more about Heben and Tracy. 

 

 

The Baby-Sitters Club Club

Jack and Tanner are going book by book through Ann M. Martin's beloved series with hilarious results. Imagine you're in English class discussing the Gothic and Marxist influences present in the novel...and that novel is Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls. Every time they enter a new theory (Bees, Dolls), it somehow ends up making a lot of sense. One of my favorite segments is Tracking Jackie, which includes a clip of Jack from LOST yelling "we have to go back." This podcast brings me so much joy and I always laugh hard while listening.

Start with Episode 1: Kristy's Great Idea and work your way up.

 

 

Code Switch

Honestly, you should go back and listen to the entire archive of this podcast. Gene Demby, Shereen Marisol Miraji, Kat Chow, and company are always on point, always on fire. Code Switch examines themes on race, ethnicity, and culture and the ways they impact our lives and communities. It's a must-listen.

Recommended episodes:

Struggling School, Or Sanctuary?

Say My Name, Say My Name (Correctly, Please)

Nate Parker's Past, His Present, And The Future Of "The Birth Of A Nation"

The episodes on Obama’s Legacy: Diss-ent or Diss-respect?, Callouts and Fallouts, and Did He Remix Race?

Hold Up! Time For An Explanatory Comma is precisely why I listen to Code Switch. 

Code Switch's Safety Pin Solidarity 

Talking Black-ish with Star Yara Shahidi and Creator Kenya Barris

The Blessing (And Curse?) Of Miss Saigon

Master Of None's Alan Yang Unpacks Season 2

 

 

Deep Dives from The Popcast

Yes, I included this the last time but this is different. Did you know each month Knox and Jamie record a deep dive episode for their Patreon supporters? If you're not a Patreon supporter, did you know you can purchase these episodes separately? No matter the topic, Jamie and Knox do their homework. I laugh, I learn, I enjoy. You should, too.

Recommended episodes:

LOST

Saved By The Bell

Gilmore Girls

Pixar

 

 

How To Be Amazing With Michael Ian Black

It turns out actor Michael Ian Black is an impressive podcast host. Not only does he have a variety of guests, he asks such interesting questions. These are not your average interviews, that's for sure. I started listening to this a few months ago and have been working my way through the archives ever since.

Recommended episodes:

Tim Gunn  (possibly my favorite)

Andy Cohen

W. Kamau Bell 

Ira Glass

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Josh Groban

 

 

The Lively Show

Jess Lively gives me so much to think about. It's not unheard of for me to end up taking notes while listening or even listening twice. I don't always agree with her conclusions but often whatever she's talking about resonates with me. This might not be for everyone but if you like learning about how to be a healthier person, if you're not afraid of outside-the-box thinking, or if you're curious about values-based intentions, this is the podcast for you. 

Recommended episodes:

#87: How to Change Negative Thought Patterns and Understand the Ego with Brooke Castillo

#88: How to Access Your Intuition and Find the Answers You Seek with Lynn Robinson

Episode #106: How the Enneagram Can Help You Grow and Improve Relationships (my episode! Such a thrill to appear on the show.)

The Lively Show Episode #152: When You Want All Of The "Answers" Right Now

The Law of Attraction. (Hint: it's not The Secret!)

Episode #197: What I'm doing to manifest and prepare for my future partner

 

 

Off Camera With Sam Jones

Sam Jones has such an impressive guest list but the conversations are what set it apart. I could listen to him talk to his guests all day. I love the insights into Hollywood, music, or whatever the guest's profession might be.

Recommended episodes:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Connie Britton

Elisabeth Moss

Rob Lowe. (Note to self: I still need to read his second memoir.)

Rachel Bloom

Joanne Froggatt

Glen Hansard

Sam Richardson 

  

 

Overdue

A podcast about the books you've been meaning to read. Craig and Andrew take turns reading a book, then discuss it together. They have great insights and are often funny. I love when they or their guest hosts take on silly or problematic books! If you plan on reading something, you might want to skip the episode until you do so because they don't shy away from spoilers. After all, you probably should have read that book by now. 

Recommended episodes:

A Prayer For Owen Meany (my favorite novel)

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

Flowers In The Attic (with guest hosts Dame Margaret and Dame Sophie)

From The Mixed-up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

A Walk To Remember

The Likeness 

Lord Of The Flies 

 

 

Reply All

It's hard to describe this show featuring hosts PJ Vogt and Alex Goldman. It's about all things internet and technology but it's about so much more than that. The stories they feature serve to both inform and inspire the listener. 

Recommended episodes:

#55: The Line

Stolen Valor

Making Friends

On The Inside (3 part story) 

Voyage Into Pizzagate

What Kind Of Idiot Gets Phished? 

 

 

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books

If you're not a romance reader, you might be tempted to think this podcast isn't for you but it's extremely relevant for readers and writers of all kinds. Yes, it's fun when one of my favorite authors appears on the show but I also learn a lot from other people in the publishing industry (ranging from personal assistants to the head of marketing) or when the hosts discuss a topic. I look forward to a new episode every Friday. If you like the podcast, be sure to check out the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books site!

Recommended episodes:

Closing The Door at the Intersection of Religion and Sex

Discussing Rape, Trigger Warnings, And Also What We're Reading 

Romance, Dating, and Very Real Expectations: An Interview with Alisha Rai

The First Year Of The Ripped Bodice: An Interview with Bea and Leah Koch (I want to go to there.)

New Books And New Insights Into History: An Interview with Beverly Jenkins

Discovering Romance and Navigating Approval: An Interview with Faith Salie 

An Interview with Robin Bradford, Genre Avenger and RWA Librarian Of The Year

Come As You Are- Sexuality And Romance: An Interview with Emily Nagoski, PhD (if you haven't already read her book Come As You Are, get on that!) 

 

 

Smartest Person In The Room

This is my friend Laura Tremaine's excellent show. It's organized by series, which allows her to focus on one topic for a period of time. Laura says she isn't the smartest person in the room but she knows who is. But I think the quality of her work shows she's one of the smarties too.

 

The Hollywood Series (Favorite episode: Production Designer Ethan Tobman)

The Religion Series (Favorite episode: Judaism as a Cultural Identity)

The Viral Series (Favorite episode: MTV's Ridiculousness creator/producer Shane Nickerson) 

 

 

StartUp

From its first season, StartUp captivated my attention. Gimlet Media cofounder Alex Blumberg showed listeners the very process of becoming a Startup, from his first pitch all the way to making Gimlet Media into something. After the first season, the show has gone in different creative directions but it always remains relevant. The more risks they take, the more I love listening.

Recommended episodes/seasons:

Season 1: start with How Not To Pitch A Billionaire

Season 2: Diversity Report 

Season 4 followed Dov Charney, the controversial founder of American Apparel. 

 

 

The West Wing Weekly

A must-listen for West Wing fans, they go episode by episode and give all manner of behind-the-scenes info. It is so fun hearing the hosts Hrishikesh Hirway and Josh Malina talk about the show and they've had some great special guests.

Start with Season 1, Episode 1: The Pilot.

Here's the episode list if you've already seen the show and want to skip around.

 

 

What Should I Read Next?

My friend Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy's podcast is a wonderful option for confirmed book nerds and those who want to read more. It is such a delight to listen to. The only problem is not being able to join in on the conversation! Plus, your To Read list might explode.

Recommended episodes:

#9: The Reality Of Bookworm Problems with Leigh Kramer (yep, I appeared on the show! My only regret is Anne was trying to keep the show at 30 minutes or less then so some of my snarkier comments were left on the editing floor.)

#31: Lifetime Favorite Books and Reading for a Living with Adam Verner (who narrates audiobooks!)

#44: Like Speed Dating, But With Authors with Annie Jones 

#66: Books that Glitter, Sparkle, and Pop with Megan Tietz 

#71: A Super Elegant Apocalypse with Knox McCoy

#80: Books that Make You Want to Skip Dinner, Work, and the Rest Of Your Life with Cori Jara

#81: The Suspense Is Thrilling Me with Chelsea Humphrey

 

 

Disclosure: Amazon affiliate links included in this post. 

Here's the thing. You make the best decision you can given the information you have. When I realized last summer I wanted to work at a library, I thought the only way to do so was to get my MLIS degree. I hoped the end justified the means. Only I realized it didn't.

Last Thursday I submitted paperwork to withdraw from the MLIS program.

 

*****

On June 1 I went to orientation for school. I was quite overwhelmed by the expectations by the end of the night. I chalked it up to not having been in grad school for 13 years. I missed the first class because I was in Dublin. I missed the second class because my flight home was canceled and the rebooked flight got me back too late.

That weekend I downloaded the syllabus, got my textbook, and started in on homework. I added the assignment due dates to my planner. I knew it would be tough- the long days of work and class, fitting in homework, figuring out how to write papers again. It'll be worth it, I'd mutter.

But as I read articles and mapped out what would be required of me, it all felt wrong. Like "I'm making a mistake" kind of wrong. I was freaking out, to say the least.

I could only think about what I was giving up. Almost all of my 5 pillars of singleness would be put on hold for the next four years until I was done. FOUR YEARS. My soul shriveled at the thought of not being able to experience community here to its fullest and the way I was already having to plan travel around school breaks and saying no to fun invitations.

Plus, the debt! Plus, there was no guarantee I'd find a position at a public library once I was done, as one of my librarian friends repeatedly warned me. 

It could have been jet lag or the transition of going back to school itself or that I'm a Four or that it was also the ten year anniversary of my Grandma's death. I girded my loins and decided to persevere. I just needed to adjust.

But that feeling of wrongness only grew.

 

******

I started reading Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work and Life before I left the country and picked it back up upon my return. It's about how we can best navigate life's ups and downs. Emotionally agile people are able to adapt to whatever life throws at them and stay true to their values, as well as grow stronger and healthier.

David really gets into our motivations and the habits that trip us up and how small changes can change everything. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  

I read passages like this:

"There is loss inherent in choice. You give up the path not taken, and with any loss comes a certain amount of pain, sorrow, and even regret. You can know why you're doing something- remember the question 'What did I do that was actually worth my time?'- and still feel anxious or sad about it. The difference is that you will have a real investment in it that will help you navigate with agility through those difficult emotions. Even if your choice turns out to be wrong, you can at least take comfort in knowing you made the decision for the right reasons. You can show up to yourself with courage, curiosity, and self-compassion." p. 132

And this:

"These are tough, often scary decisions to make, and it's easy to feel like a quitter if you're hooked on the idea that grit is a quality to be valued above all others. But there's no shame- in fact there's actually a lot of virtue- in making a logical, heartfelt choice. Instead of looking at these transitions as giving up, look at them as moving on. You're letting yourself evolve and grow along with your circumstances, choosing a new path that's full of possibility." p. 185

Just as my dream was shifting, these words appeared and clarified everything. 

Decisions can happen in stages. I thought perhaps I'd finish out the summer course and withdraw from the program after that. That was last Monday.

When I woke up the next day, I realized even that felt wrong. But I thought I should at least go to class that night and see how I felt after.

I asked for a sign. I wanted to know one way or the other if I should continue on. I got to campus about a minute before class started, only to find the classroom dark and empty. Class was canceled. 

 

******

I never wanted to go back to school. All I wanted to do was work at a library and I thought this was how I was supposed to do it. 

I've learned since then there are non-degreed positions that pay decently. In fact, I had a phone interview last month for what would be a perfect position for me (basically what I did as an assistant bookstore manager.) I didn't move forward in the interview process but it gave me hope. 

Grad school is not the only means for working at the library. In fact, my subconscious told me this for the past several months. Every time I applied for a library job, I'd say, "if I got this, I probably wouldn't even go to school!" I wish I'd paid better attention and figured it out before class started but it's like I needed the reality check to help coalesce the swirling thoughts in my head.

I'm glad I realized it now, instead of later.

Why go to school if I don't have to? I don't need to sacrifice all this time, money, and energy. (My student loan is down to $4000 and I'm so happy I won't be incurring more debt.)

I'm changing course. The ultimate goal is still to work at a library someday. I applied to volunteer at the local branch. It'll give me experience and help me become a familiar face. But who knows? Maybe I'll find an awesome admin job and volunteering will be enough. 

I don't regret applying for school. It was the next right step, just as moving to San Francisco was the next right step and moving to the Twin Cities was the next right step. This is the adventure, eh?

I'm not going to lie. Sadness is mixed in with the relief. I loved knowing where I was headed after a few years of not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and now that path has changed. I won't get to call myself a librarian. Limbo has become my state of being. But I'm being true to my values, as Emotional Agility reminded me. This unexpected decision feels right. 

Like a weight has been lifted off. June feels hopeful again.

For now, I'm paying attention to the signs. I'm waiting for the jar lid click. This is the next leap of faith, to trust the right job will emerge at the right time. All I have to do is hang in there. All I have to do is embrace uncertainty and be ready for the next right step.

I'm ready.

 

****** 

"Uncertainty leaves space for a future to grow, for time to bloom and unfold. When there’s hesitation, when there’s doubt, there’s room for hope." -Madame Clairevoyant 

 

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It's the blink of an eye and the stretch of time all in one. Ten years since Grandma died. The memories of her final weeks are crystal clear, could have happened just the other day, in fact.

Mom calling to tell me what Grandma's diagnosis was as I sat sobbing in my car in the office parking lot. The night I spent in Grandma's hospital room and all the stories she told before drifting to sleep. Swinging by the nursing home when I had a moment between patients. Liaising with hospice- the very one I worked for- when Grandma decided to stop treatment a month in. How she anointed everyone who visited with holy water, even when we had to guide her hand the last day or two. Everyone who stopped by the house and the visitor guidelines we had to enact so she could actually get some rest. The way I knew when it all changed, when we went from weeks left to days. Sitting next to her with a book in one hand and her hand in the other, unwilling to go to bed even though I wasn't the night nurse that final night. 

How empty a room sounds when another rasping breath doesn't come.

How we broke apart the night she died. How we had to put ourselves back together in the intervening years.

I'm all too aware of how much has changed since then.

I wrote Grandma a letter in college when she had a minor health issue and hadn't been good about taking her medication, telling her she needed to take care of herself so she could see me walk down the aisle. A few years later it wouldn't matter if she took her medication or not; cancer was a far greater foe to our dreams.

Grandma told me once she prayed to St. Francis, the patron saint of lost causes, for me to find a husband. Here I am, 10 years later, apparently a lost cause. Of course, I don't believe that but it makes me chuckle. It makes me think.

Our family has undergone so many changes since Grandma died. There have been weddings, divorces, diagnoses, births, and even more loss. We've adapted traditions and let go of others. People take turns hosting family gatherings and last year Grandpa even moved out of their house and into a retirement community.

We are not the same.

Loss changes us, this I know, but I could not have foretold the way this loss would irrevocably alter the course of my life.

If Grandma had not died, I might not have moved away from my Illinois hometown. I'd likely still work for hospice. 

Grieving while being a hospice social worker was impossibly hard. Much of that summer is hazed by my mourning. When I came out on the other side, I no longer felt the same about the work I did. I was still good at it, still passionate about end of life issues, but I no longer felt the same enjoyment. Before Grandma died, I could have been a hospice lifer. After, not so much. 

Maybe I'd have ultimately left that job. Maybe wanderlust would have visited and I still would have moved out of state. There's no way of knowing for sure but I can't imagine Grandma being alive all these years and not wanting to be close to her orbit.

We were close. She taught me my first sewing and cooking lessons. She exemplified compassion and grace. She was always, always, always taking care of other people. It is little wonder I ended up in social work.

When I was little, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be like Grandma and my mom. My life took such a different direction, particularly the last several years, but their examples are still guiding lights. Maybe I'm not a wife or mother like them- maybe I never will be- but I look out for the underdog and cook and bake for friends and try to be there for family, even when I'm miles away.

I still wear the turquoise ring that I found in her jewelry box, the one she probably never wore. It was hers and yet it's my style and there seems to be some symbolism there.

It's been 10 years and my life testifies to the passing of all this time.

I miss her.