Leigh Kramer

The Question Single Women In Their 30s Ask Each Other

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

 

It's possible this question came up at some point in my 20s. I clearly recall a couple of conversations around it in my early 30s.

I've lost track of how many times the question has come up in the past year or two as I straddle the line between mid and late 30s.

"Have you thought about having kids on your own?"

It's not a question we start with. No, it comes up when we're well into the conversation and our meal or drinks are almost gone. We've pushed back a little from the table we're sitting at, our bodies more in tune with ourselves and each other.

It's not a question I would want my married and mothering friends to ask me, though it's possible one or two have. I would probably be horrified if a relative brought it up. (This is different from me raising the topic with them, when I can set the tone for the conversation with the people closest to me.)

But when I'm with my friends who are also single, the question is natural at this point. It might flow out of a discussion of singleness or dating or something else altogether.

For those of us in our late 30s and early 40s, the question takes on a different tone. Not all of my friends want to have children but most of them do. The years of this particular possibility start to dwindle and it may not be left to fate. We may still get married but will it happen while we're still able to have biological children? There's an urgency there now.

So this is why we ask each other. We want to know whether the dream of motherhood matters enough to do something about it. Do we want to be mothers regardless of whether marriage is in our future? 

This question is both clarifying and revealing. Each time it comes up, we learn something about each other and we reaffirm our respective decisions.

For me, I've determined parenthood isn't something I would want to purposefully do on my own. Wanting to be a mother has always been in the context of raising children with my husband. 

That could still happen but it might not. It won't negate feelings of sadness if I find myself in the same situation a few years from now. But it does show me I don't need to take concrete action toward motherhood either.

I remember the granddaughter of a hospice patient who adopted her daughter when she was in her 30s. She lived next door to her parents and they watched her daughter while she was at work and the set-up completely worked for them. I've met a few other single women since then who adopted and at least one friend is seriously considering it now.

A couple of friends have tried or are thinking about trying IVF. I always think of one of my high school English teachers when this option comes up. She was the first person I knew who was unmarried and had a child this way.

A couple of friends volunteer for CASA or something similar. They're not acting as mothers but they are playing an important role for those children and that's worth noting. There are a number of ways to nurture children without being their sole caregiver.

There is beauty and joy in cheering someone on who is pursuing a path different from mine and in talking things over with someone who has come to the same conclusion.

More than anything, I'm grateful to be friends with amazing single women who are a safe place for the hard conversations and who consistently champion one another. I've grown to love discussing this question with them because it reminds me of the support and solidarity we extend to one another, no matter where we land on the subject. 

Little Free Libraries and the Bookish Sisters of Mercy

A couple of months ago, I started keeping a bag of books in my car just for Little Free Libraries. That way I always have a book on hand when I stumble across a new one or the ones in my neighborhood are looking low. 

It's also a nice way to pass along Advance Reader Copies and books I don't plan on rereading. I try to be careful about what books I buy in the first place , as well as what ARCs I say yes to, but book storage is always an issue for me. Always. Little Free Libraries helps me out on that front, so long as I don't always find a book or two that I need to take home.

In any case, it pays to be bookishly prepared!

When I visited my friend Anne of Modern Mrs. Darcy a few weeks ago, we wound up doing this on a much larger scale. Anne's book situation was out of control and my INFJ self itched to help her get organized. Before Anne knew it, I was "making" her go through her stacks and figure out what she was keeping and what she could let go of, like duplicate copies and ARCs she probably wasn't ever going to get around to reading and books she didn't actually like.

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

And I'm not just saying that because I wound up with a pile of books to take home.

The next morning we decided to share the love with a few of the Little Free Libraries in Louisville. There were way too many culled books to do it at once but we estimate we left around 35-40 books between four LFLs.

If I was still a child I would not be able to dream up anything better than a Little Free Library tucked behind a tree house. Can you even imagine?! 

This one was only a quarter full when we got to it. Heh. Not anymore.

Anne stopped by this one about a week after we'd filled it up and said it was depleted again. It must be a highly trafficked LFL but I'm concerned that so many people are not following the practice of Take A Book, Leave A Book. I mean, it's okay if you find something you want and you don't have anything to give but that should not be your standard operating procedure. Ahem.

 

Sometimes we'd rearrange the books within the LFLs. Highlight some favorites, move them around so it was more aesthetically pleasing. Normal book nerd stuff.

Miraculously, I only found one book I wanted in return- a vintage Nancy Drew mystery- and Anne didn't find anything she wanted. 

Who gets rid of vintage Nancy Drew?! 

When we returned home from our mission, I commented something along the lines of feeling like Robin Hood. We couldn't make the comparison work- we weren't stealing books from the rich, after all. And then Anne said it was more like Sisters of Mercy.

Yes. That's us. The Bookish Sisters of Mercy, dispensing books to anyone in need or at least anyone who frequents their Little Free Library. 

Looking forward to the next time we strike! 

Code Girls: The Untold Story of the American Women Code Breakers of World War II by Liza Mundy (Review)

Code Girls: The Untold Story of the American Women Code Breakers of World War II - Liza Mundy 

 

My Review - 4 Stars

"Almost everybody thought we were nothing but secretaries," one of the women would say years later. (p. 31)

If you enjoyed Hidden Figures or The Boys In The Boat, you are definitely going to want to pick up a copy of Code Girls.

While I was loosely familiar with Bletchley Park codebreakers in England, I didn't know anything about the US efforts, much less the important role women played. Due to the level of secrecy their job required, many people haven't heard of these amazing cryptanalysts and what they did to help end the second World War. Many of the women maintained confidentiality for decades after the war, even after the ban on talking was lifted, to the extent they were doubtful about whether they should talk to the author. I'm so grateful they did decide to share their stories, however. Mundy gives us a fascinating and valuable history with this work.

The effort to recruit women to serve as codebreakers began shortly before the attack on Pearl Harbor. (Women also helped with cryptanalysis during the first World War and the chapter that centers on that period of time was mind-blowing, particularly how the women were basically dropped once the war ended.) The Navy targeted women's colleges of the Northeastern Seaboard, while the Army sent recruiters to teaching colleges throughout the South and Midwest.

Mundy gives her readers a good understanding of what cryptanalysis is, as well as what it takes to be a good code breaker. This understanding made me even more in awe of what these women accomplished, especially given how much sexism and misogyny they experienced.

Women were not welcomed with open arms when it came to the war effort, even though hundreds of thousands ultimately served. While the war was largely viewed as men's domain, women were given positions deemed less interesting, like code breaking. Mundy does not shy away from showing how prevailing sexist attitudes negatively affected the women's careers, especially post-war.

Racism was also a factor. Although Eleanor Roosevelt wanted a certain percentage of the Arlington Hall workforce should be black, segregation and Jim Crow were at work. Black workers were given primarily menial jobs but the Army did have an African American code-breaking unit whose existence was so secretive, most white workers didn't know anything about it. Racism also affected Asian Americans who served as translators and in other capacities and who were largely distrusted due to the campaigns against the Japanese.

Mundy showcases stories from both the WAVES at the Navy and the Arlington Hall workers at the Army. At times, I became confused about who was who and whether we were talking about the Army or the Navy. Picking a few women to focus on and letting their stories play out throughout the war years would have made for a stronger narrative. However, I learned a lot and I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave certain women's stories out so I can appreciate the choices Mundy made. 

I was caught up in the code breaker's successes and frustrations and by the time Germany and then Japan surrendered, I wanted to shout their names from the rooftops. These women sacrificed so much for their country and received little recognition in return. Mundy has changed that by shining a light on their contributions and we are better for it.

Oh, and the last paragraph of this book? Perfection.

 

Synopsis

In the tradition of Hidden Figures and The Girls of Atomic City, Code Girls is the astonishing, untold story of the young American women who cracked key Axis codes, helping to secure Allied victory and revolutionizing the field of cryptanalysis.

Recruited by the U.S. Army and Navy from small towns and elite colleges, more than ten thousand women served as codebreakers during World War II. While their brothers and boyfriends took up arms, these women moved to Washington and learned the meticulous work of code-breaking. Their efforts shortened the war, saved countless lives, and gave them access to careers previously denied to them. A strict vow of secrecy nearly erased their efforts from history; now, through dazzling research and interviews with surviving code girls, bestselling author Liza Mundy brings to life this riveting and vital story of American courage, service, and scientific accomplishment.

 

Buy The Book Here:

Amazon | Barnes & Noble

 

Disclosure: I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links included in this post.

Read Between The Lynes (Bookstore Spotlight)

While I was visiting my friend Megan a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to take me to the farmers market as she's raved about it for years. She agreed and said we should also stop by the local independent bookstore and have tea and coffee afterward.

SIGN ME UP.

That's how I found myself wandering the town square in Woodstock, Illinois. The famers market was darling and I happily bought cider doughtnuts and honeycrisp apples. I also took a picture with the plaque proclaiming the good news that Groundhog Day was filmed there.

Then we headed over to Read Between The Lynes, which was as whimsical and delightful as I hoped. Part bookstore and part cafe, it more than met our needs. I took so many pictures, I thought I might as well turn them into a post. Maybe bookstore spotlights will be a new feature here.

A note about the cafe: not only can you get coffee and Harney & Sons tea, they also sell ice cream and candy. There's not a ton of indoor seating but if the weather is nice, you can take your treat over to the square and sit there.

Every part of the bookstore has been chosen with care, from the genres they carry to the decor. I loved seeing all of the details unique to Read Between The Lines. They had a good amount of autographed copies and I was delighted by how extensive their fiction and YA sections were. I didn't see any romance titles but hey, no store is perfect. ;)

Read Between The Lynes has been in its present location for a couple of years. It expanded to 1600 square feet when another business closed. In a time when people moan about the dearth of bookstores, it's exciting to hear about the ones that are thriving, especially to the point of needing more space.

A book tree in the children's section. 

I had to talk myself out of buying both of Amy Thielen's books for budgetary reasons but I want them so badly. In the meantime, it's the library waitlist for me.

 

Blind Date With A Book is my newest obsession and I love the way this bookstore does it. They use Advance Reading Copies! They're $2 apiece and the money goes toward local schools. Is that not the best idea? 

I bought two. Anything for a good cause, amirite? 

Book pages hang from the ceiling throughout the store. I LOVED THIS. I also love how they highlight local authors.

I also thought this was a darling idea: I found love in my bookshop when... cards. How would you answer? 

Clearly this is the best answer!

If you find yourself in or near Woodstock, make it a point to stop by Read Between The Lynes. Browse the books, get yourself a beverage or a treat, maybe buy a Blind Date or two. It's worth it.

 

What I'm Into (September 2017 Edition)

Louisville, KY

Fall is in the air and I am glad for it! September turned out to be pretty great, mostly because I was out of town for most of it. When you're newly unemployed/you can work from home, you might as well travel, amirite? After how hard August was, traveling and getting to spend time with some of my favorite people was just what I needed. Some things are still hard- help me out here, Universe- but I was reminded I still have a lot of good in my life. 

Announcement: November marks the 5th anniversary of this link-up. Can you even believe it?! In honor of the occasion, everyone who links up in November will be eligible for a giveaway. I'm not sure what the giveaway will be quite yet but it will be open internationally. Come back November 1 for the details!

 

Read and Reading 

Wow, wow, wow!! I'm so glad Rachel McMillan told me to read The Alice Network (Quinn) because I would have missed out if I'd stuck in my "I don't read historical fiction" lane. This was such a fascinating, well-written novel. I've read a good deal about WWII over the years but I can't remember hearing much about lady spies before and certainly not that they'd been used during the first world war. Eve and Charlie were such compelling characters. We alternate between Eve's experiences as a spy during WWI and then looking for Charlie's cousin shortly after the end of WWII. We know all did not go well for Eve during her mission because of the state of her hands. (Her poor hands!) The tension builds as her flashbacks pull us further into her story and I was continually amazed by her ability as a spy and her courage no matter what she faced, as well as that of her counterparts. (This is partially based on a true story!) Charlie's story is interesting as well, particularly how limited women's options were at that time and especially if you were an unwed mother. I loved how strong the heroines were and I loved how they banded together with Finn. They were a special group of misfits and their relationships to one another developed in such lovely ways. Finn added a good amount of heft to the tale with his experience as a soldier and the aftermath of the war. I could swoon over the way he treated Charlie. If you haven't gathered by now, I positively loved this one. It was a great reading experience and I learned a ton. Kickass lady spies rule! I'll be reading more from Kate Quinn, that is for certain.

 

Rupi Kaur's work is simply stunning, as evidenced in milk and honey. I don't know how she says so much with so little. I'm excited to see how her poetry evolves in the coming years. Her next collection the sun and her flowers comes out October 3.

 

I am swooning with love for Hunted (Spooner)- the best Beauty and the Beast retelling I've ever read. In this version, Beauty is a hunter, Russian folklore is woven in, and the story explores the concept of what we want vs. what fulfills us. Yeva is such an incredible heroine. I loved watching the evolution of her feelings toward the Beast, from something to kill to someone to save. The chapters are written from Yeva's perspective but in between each chapter we hear from the Beast and this is written primarily in second person plural to great effect. This retelling had everything I love about Beauty and the Beast and none of the stuff I don't. The magical elements served only to move the story forward, as well as keep you guessing. There's a lot in here about intent and motivation that is wonderful but I was most moved by the idea of longing for something more and whether achieving that goal can ever satisfy us. What Yeva and Beast ultimately learn about their wants is something I'm tucking away for further pondering. If you love fairy tale retellings, track down a copy however you can. You won't regret it. 

 

I binge read Chanel Cleeton's Wild Aces series over the course of a weekend. This was my first time reading Chanel Cleeton and I'm officially a fan. I definitely need to read more military romance if it's as good as this. From the moment Noah and Jordan met in Vegas in Fly With Me, I was hooked. Then Into The Blue and On Broken Wings surpassed all expectations. Cleeton doesn't shy away from depicting how hard the military can be when it comes to relationships and I felt all the angst each couple experienced as they tried to figure out what they meant to each other and whether the sacrifices were worth it. I also shed very real tears while reading each one because holy hell what the men and women connected to the military go through. (I have an idea of how this will serve the series but still, heartbreaking.) But more than that, I loved how each hero and heroine complimented one another no matter what difficulties they faced. I loved these characters so much and was just so happy by the time I finished reading each one. 

 

You can see all the books I've read at Goodreads. 

Currently reading: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness (Alexander), Write Naked: A Bestseller's Secrets to Writing Romance and Navigating the Path to Success (Probst), What Happened (Clinton), The Lost Book Of The Grail (Lovett), It Happened One Autumn (Kleypas) 

   

 

TV

I've barely been able to watch So You Think You Can Dance (alas!) but I was happy to see who won.

Outlander is back!!! But I haven't had a chance to watch yet. Season 3 is based on Voyager, the third book in the series and my favorite. Hoping to download the Starz app now that I'm back in town.

 

Podcasts:

Ina Garten was on How To Be Amazing With Michael Ian Black and it was everything I hoped it would be. I love how much she loves her husband and just her general approach to life. 

Pop Culture Happy Hour had a marvelous discussion of Outlander, both the books and the show.

An Advertising Revolution: "Black People Are Not Dark-Skinned White People" on Code Switch. Such fascinating history and a great profile of Tom Burrell.

Smartest Person in the Room is back with a new series: Mind-Body. The first episode with a Pilates instructor was so good!  

 

Highlights:  

• I finished my novel revisions!!! Actually: I FINISHED MY NOVEL REVISIONS!!! It didn't happen in August as planned but I did it and I'm pretty happy with what I accomplished. It's back with my editor for the next round and now I have to start thinking about things like writing a synopsis and hiring someone to design the cover. Yessssss.

 

• I stayed with my parents for one night on my way to Nashville so naturally they took me to dinner at Portillo's. I usually get a hot dog but since I'd had Portillo's not too long ago, I decided to get the Italian beef this time around and it was so good and I can't believe how long it'd been since I'd had one. It's a good thing they're opening a Portillo's close to me.

 

• I visited Nashville for almost a week and it was glorious. I hadn't been back in a year and a half so it was just plain good to be with my people. Nashville has changed a lot since I moved away and so have I. I'm always going to miss that city.

• I stayed with my best friend Tracy and her family and I cannot get over how much her kids have grown since the last time I saw them. I used to see them at least once or twice a week and it is painful to only have the occasional FaceTime to see us through. I soaked up my time with my darlings. It's good to know they still want to hang out with Aunt Leigh, even if we're just piled onto the bed.

 

• Melissa and I met up at The Perch, just like old times. We always seem to be in sync in random ways and it was so good to catch up with her.

 

• My old coworker Lesley Ann and I had lunch at Chuy's. I didn't get to see her the last time I was in town so we had a lot to talk about. I haven't kept up with many of my coworkers from VCH but I'm glad Lesley Ann and I have stayed in touch. She's a keeper.

 

• I went to my first true love McKay books and found a treasure trove of awesomeness, per usual. I'm on a stricter budget these days so I had to put back several finds but still walked out with some preciouses, including a copy of my all-time favorite novel A Prayer For Owen Meany for $2 because my copy is still in storage and I decided I need to keep one on hand.

• My dearest Amanda and I had dinner at Burger Up (where I had the lamb burger, of course) and then we got doughnuts at Five Daughters. I had the vegan chocolate glazed and it was amazing. Best of all, Amanda and I talked for hours. It wasn't long enough- it never is- but we always soak up our time together. She is so good for my heart and soul. 

 

• Fruit tea and a breakfast sandwich at Star Bagel with my old roomie Valerie. Best fruit tea in all the land!

• Tracy and I got to have a couple of hours together just us and I always savor when that happens. We went to Parnassus Books for me, where I was amazed by the store's expansion. They are using the bigger space well! Then we walked the Greenway for her. Friendship is about give and take, you see. ;) 

 

• Abby and I met up at Ugly Mugs and the weather was nice enough for us to sit outside.

 

• I got to see my nanny baby and her parents! At 6 years old now, she is very much not a baby anymore and I'm so glad we've stayed in touch three years later. It's so much fun to see the person she's growing up to be.

 

• I went back to Five Daughters to get a doughnut, which was a good life decision. Then Kelley and I went over to bartaco and got drinks and some of the best guacamole I've ever eaten. 

 

• Francie and I went to Fido for breakfast and I was pleased to see their Rishi tea selection has expanded. The Chocolate Cinnamon tea was delicious!

 

• Jessica and I had amazing salads at J. Alexanders. I cannot believe I never ate there while I lived in Nashville! 

• I went back to Parnassus when I had a little bit of time to kill. I could browse there forever.

 

• Alece and I have established a tradition of cocktails at Pinewood Social and I like this about us. My Old Fashioned was top notch.

 

• Jennifer and I went to lunch at Edley's and I was relieved they still had plenty of brisket sandwiches. It's my favorite thing on the menu! Plus we got an order of fried pickles. Perfection.

• Crystal and I got tea at Frothy Monkey in Franklin and even though it was a cloudy, rainy day, it was nice enough to sit on the covered patio. Plus the High Garden tea is so good.

 

• Allison cooked me an amazing dinner and most of the produce came from her backyard. Her garden is amazing! We geeked out over the Enneagram and talked about everything under the sun and I completely lost track of time.

 

• I headed to Louisville to see Anne and her family. We got a late lunch, then browsed at Carmichael's Books, and did some work at VINT Coffee. 

 

• I love the Bogels' new house! That library is something else, of course, but the whole house is lovely. It was wonderful getting to see the kids and Will again. I used to see them a few times a year when I lived in Nashville and while I've seen Anne since I moved away, I haven't seen her family so this was a treat.

• I helped Anne go through her books and she ended up with a huge stack to regift. So we took as many as we could around to four different Little Free Libraries. Consider us the bookish Sisters of Mercy. SO FUN.

 

• We ate amazing breakfast sandwiches at Blue Dog Cafe and Bakery. The tea service was darling!

 

• From there, I headed to Chicagoland to be with my family for festivities. My dad celebrated his birthday and my maternal grandfather turned 90! My brother, sister-in-law, and the kids were in town and I could not snuggle my niece and nephew enough.

 

• Ellie and I grabbed some writing time. We text about what we're working on fairly regularly and it was so fun to actually work at a coffee shop together. Plus, she let me take her to Prairie Path Books afterward.

 

• Erin and I sat in a park for a couple of hours just catching up on life. Gorgeous weather.

 

• Laura and I went to Maize + Mash so I could enjoy an Old Fashioned. I love that place.

• The way my nephew smiles at me. (I refuse to believe he smiles like this for everyone.)

 

• My hometown library always has books for sale in one of their corner annexes but I rarely browse because they never have anything I want. But while I was there using their wifi, I decided to look anyway and walked away with six books I've been wanting for only $6. Score!

 

• Megan and her family did a great job spoiling me as always. We had a lovely dinner together and it was great catching up with Al and the kids. The next day Megan took me to her farmers market, where I stocked up on honeycrisps and cider doughnuts. Then we had tea at Read Between The Lynes bookstore. (I have a lot to say about this cute bookstore. Post coming soon!)

 

• I got another Fix from Stitch Fix and I kept all five items! This is only the second time this has happened and it was glorious. I'm especially happy about the gorgeous leather tote they sent since I've been desperate to replace my beloved but falling apart purse.

 

• I have a new favorite tea in my life: Chai Green tea from Stash. It tastes just like regular chai but with less caffeine. I'm impressed!

 

• This article about my new hero/role model Linda Rodin

 

• I went to Colorado for my annual Somewheres retreat. My heart is full after time with my life council. It went way too fast and we surely missed the friends who couldn't be there. But there's something magical about being in the same room again. They love me so well and I am a better person for knowing each one. I didn't want to leave.

  

 

Favorite Instagram:

This house has a #littlefreelibrary mini-me and I cannot get over how darling it is!  

 

(If you want to follow me on Instagram, my user name is leighkramer.)

 

 

 

What I'm Into Link Up Guidelines:

1. Today’s link-up will stay open for one week. The next What I'm Into link up will be Wednesday November 1. Our 5 year anniversary of linking up! Anyone who links up will be eligible for the giveaway.

2. Link the unique URL of your post, not your blog's home page. Readers peruse link ups months after the fact and you want to make it easy for them to find your What I'm Into post.

3. Please include the What I'm Into button or mention you're linking up with What I'm Into at Leigh Kramer.

4. Visit at least 2 other posts in the linkup!

 

 

An InLinkz Link-up

 

 

What have you been into this month? 

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