A couple of weeks ago, I had lunch with my friend Sarah. Knowing my love of Little Free Libaries, she mentioned she's noticed a bunch in her neighborhood. My ears perked right up and I asked her if she'd take me on a Little Free Library tour.

It was windy and cold on the day we chose but we did not let that stop us. However, we did decide to make it a driving/walking tour of Longfellow, instead of just a walking tour. This was a great life decision.

We pulled up the Little Free Library map as our starting place but in the course of the afternoon, we found at least a handful of LFLs that were not registered and therefore weren't on the map. 

We didn't make it to every LFL on the map either but in the course of 2 hours, I believe we stopped by 17 LFLs. It was so much fun! I could not get over how creative people were or the variety of books people left. Here are several of the best ones.

At our first stop, we found the most darling bookmarks and library borrowers cards. I haven't seen that before and I loved the idea!

A number of churches have LFLs. This was at a UU church, complete with its own bench. And it boasted a vintage book about Mary Lou Retton. (Neither of us took it.)

A little country Western flair.

One of my favorites of the day! A Dr. Seuss quote, bright blue, with a bench on the side.

A twofer! The one on the left is for children's books. The one of the right is for grown-ups. Plus, this is right next to Dowling Community Garden.

THAT BENCH THOUGH. I need it in my life.

This was the saddest thing. And this LFL was outside a church no less! There are plenty of times I leave a book without taking one or take a book without leaving one. I figure it all evens out in the end. But to clear out a whole LFL? This person must have been very desperate to resort to this. After this stop, we started noticing a number of the books had this very stamp or else a sticker. 

It's a house mini-me! We saw a couple of these and they always make me smile.

This was my favorite of the day. It had beautiful windows on each side. And that sun! 

Bird houses! There was a plaque on the side that said this was an Eagle Scout project. How cool is that?! 

I didn't think I would find any books I wanted but I came away with some amazing finds. I was especially excited about the old copy of The World According To Garp, which is my third favorite John Irving novel. Tomatoland has been on my TBR for ages so that was a fun find as well. And I decided the Maisie Dobbs novel was a sign I should actually try the series so many friends rave about.

I also had fun being a book pusher with Sarah. There were a number of old favorites I told her she just had to read. We both walked away with good books!

I definitely want to go on another Little Free Library tour. Minneapolis- really, all of the Twin Cities and their suburbs- has a TON of Little Free Libraries that are worth exploring. Although hopefully next time, it'll be on a sunnier, less windy day.

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A couple of weeks ago I asked people on Facebook and Twitter to submit their questions about the Enneagram.

Read part 1 and part 2.

If you're not familiar with the Enneagram, read my overview post. 

I actually have wondered about the overlap between MBTI and Enneagram. I don't they serve different functions, but the stuff Faith said [about being Type Five] I've always attributed to being an INFJ. 

How does MBTI type correlate to Enneagram type?

Myers-Briggs explains how you are. The Enneagram explains why you are. 

While I believe there are connections between the two systems, I haven't come across many viable resources on the topic, beyond basic correlations. 

But you might find the following articles interesting:

• Enneagram and MBTI Correlation from Typology Wiki (very information dense, which may be perfect for Fives.)
• Myers-Briggs/MBTI & Enneagram Correlations from Personality Junkie

The best chart comparison I've found is in Are You My Type, Am I Yours?, which not only compares the two systems but breaks it down further by males and females. (This makes me curious about what might happen if they went beyond the male-female binary.)

I'm always looking for info on using the enneagram in my working life; I've had a few really key revelations of why I work certain ways because I'm a 9 and I'm trying to expand that to my team. I manage a team of americorps members at a non-profit and this year had them all determine their enneagram type so I can better adjust my management style to each, but I'm not entirely sure where to start, especially for the ones whose types I'm least familiar with.

First, imagine me giving you a round of applause for incorporating the Enneagram at work. This is amazing and I wish all companies would do this. The Enneagram was big at my last job- it was even part of my interview to be hired- and we all regularly referenced our types in conversation. It made such a big difference in terms of handling conflict and communicating well. My coworkers weren't perfect but I don't think it's a coincidence that it was one of the best work environments I've ever experienced.

Second, the book I'd start with is Helen Palmer's The Enneagram In Love And Work. Palmer shows how each type interacts with other types in both relationships and at work. The analysis for each type pairing's dynamic at work and in relationships is different, which makes sense because we relate to each other differently if we're coworkers vs. dating/married. It's a great resource to have.

Next, Beatrice Chestnut released a book a couple of weeks ago that might be perfect for you: The 9 Types Of Leadership: Mastering The Art Of People In The 21st Century Workplace. I just happened to see it over the weekend so I haven't read it yet but her book The Complete Enneagram is one of my go-tos and I imagine this will become one as well.

Common misconceptions - about the whole thing, about certain types - your post about people totally misunderstanding it made me curious.

That Facebook post was a little tongue in cheek but...

The most common misconceptions probably have to do with wings and arrows. And I get it. Arrows in particular are hard to understand at first. But more than that, people can really, really misunderstand their type. Or they'll say they're two types. Either they haven't typed themselves correctly or they just plain don't understand what being a Two or Seven, etc. is really all about. 

No one is going to be an expert on their type from the start- I certainly wasn't!- but for some reason, many people new to the Enneagram present their type as if they are experts. More often than not, the information they present is wrong. I always tell people they've got to live it out for a while. See if they can catch themselves being their type during their day to day life.  

If I can offer a word of caution to people who want to type everyone around them: you are the only one who can determine your type. You might have guesses about someone's type but for the love of all that is holy stop telling people you know what type they are. You don't. If someone asks you for your best guess on their type, give them a couple of options. Otherwise, let them discover it on their own.

Any good Enneagram blogs, sites, Twitter accts, etc that you like.

The Enneagram Institute website is at the top of my list. So much good, time-tested information over there.

Favorite Books On The Enneagram (Books are my first resource forever and always.)

I haven't listened to Enneagram podcasts beyond an episode or two but people seem to like The Road Back To You, Typology, and The Liturgists Episode 37: The Enneagram. People have recommended Wild Crazy Meaningful Enneagram to me and while it was not my cup of tea, perhaps it will be yours.

I've appeared on a few podcasts to introduce the Enneagram. Listen to The Art Of Simple Episode 6: Enneagram 101 (originally titled Confront Your Junk), Sorta Awesome Episode 12: Oh, the Enneagram? It's Awesome! and Extra Awesome: Leigh Kramer Answers Your Enneagram Questions, The Lively Show #106: How The Enneagram Can Help You Grow And Improve Relationships (timely for the holidays!), and The Practical Minimalists Episode 28: The Freedom Of Knowing Yourself With The Enneagram. 

Suzanne Stabile shared her visual representation of each type on her Facebook page. They're not grouped by an album so scroll through the photos until you find your type. Example above.

I also like The Visual Enneagram, which you can purchase on Amazon and which EnneaApp uses for their test results.

30 Seconds Or Less gave us Enneavember a couple of years ago and the quick insights on each type were wonderful. (I'm on there for Type Four.)

Beyond this, take a gander at any of the feeds of Enneagram experts you enjoy. Many share insights about each type regularly. Enneagram in the Narrative Tradition usually has some great graphics and insights.

Photo by Chris Knight on Unsplash

A couple of weeks ago I asked people on Facebook and Twitter to submit their questions about the Enneagram.

Part 1 ran yesterday.

If you're not familiar with the Enneagram, read my overview post. 

I often hear people say “I’m a # and super stressed so now I’m a disintegration #.” What do the types look like as themselves and not just “now I’m that.” (Clarified: people are viewing themselves as the number they disintegrate toward i.e. 1 disintegrates to 4 so they say they're a disintegrating 4 vs. being an unhealthy (their type.))

I wish I understood more about my stress "point" or "line" (Not sure what's proper terminology. We didn't cover that much when I first got my assessment. So I'm curious as to how to relates to my type and wing. 

Once you know how your type functions, which includes unhealthy tendencies, you can explore the arrows of integration and disintegration and see how they manifest themselves.

Besides wings, each type is connected to two other types via arrows. When healthy and balanced, you move toward your Arrow of Integration and take on the positive or healthy quality of that type. It goes in this order: 1-7-5-8-2-4-1 and 3-6-9-3. There's an element of choice involved in the arrow of integration. As we become healthier individuals, we often seek to become healthier still and out of this work, we'll notice the positive qualities of our arrow emerging. The more we lean into these positive qualities, the more we grow. (Taking on the positive qualities of our wings is another way we become more balanced and healthy.)

The reverse direction is your Arrow of Disintegration and shows how you respond when you’re stressed or unbalanced This is what happens when your usual way of dealing with stress doesn’t work anymore and it's a stopgap measure- a sounding of the alarm- before you descend to the truly unhealthy levels of your type. You take on the negative or unhealthy quality of that type. 1-4-2-8-5-7-1 and 3-9-6-3. This all tends to happen on a subconscious level. When you're stressed, do what you can to avoid falling into these negative traits.

I want to point out the bolded words in the previous two paragraphs. You take on the quality of the type your arrows moves toward. But you do not become that type. While the behavior might look similar on the surface, it's still coming out of your type's motivations. Think about it this way: each type has big issues so becoming like another type won't do you any favors. Taking on a type's qualities doesn't change us at our core. We're still who we are but we can learn from the other types. We really do need all nine types and the arrows- both positive and negative- show us why. 

Example: When Ones take on the positive qualities of Seven (arrow of integration), they become less critical and more accepting of themselves and others, they're naturally more optimistic, enthusiastic, and joyful, they'll be more spontaneous, and they'll do fun things for the sake of enjoyment. They can relax their guard and they're more able to learn from and relate to other people's perspectives.

When Ones take on the negative qualities of Four (arrow of disintegration), they feel like no one understands them or how hard they're working, their anger turns inward and they become moody and withdrawn, they feel unloved and unlovable, and they long for what they don't have and feel hopeless about ever obtaining it.

I’ve heard that type 6 has sub-types—would love to hear about that concept. 

I clarified this question is about the Six's phobic-counterphobic tendencies. All types have subtypes but the phobic-counterphobic distinction is unique to the Six.

Sixes have both phobic and counterphobic facets. You may see some Sixes more on one side of the spectrum than the other but in most cases the tendencies coexist. More phobic Sixes tend to be outwardly fearful and seek approval, whereas more counterphobic Sixes tend to confront their fears and be more reactionary.

For this reason, Sixes can be a mess of contradictions. They can be both bully and bullied, believer and doubter, leader and follower. 

Sixes tend to lean on whatever or whomever is influencing them in the moment. They don't trust their inner guidance so they lean on their Inner Council instead, looking for assurance and whatever will guarantee their sense of security. They'll look outside of themselves first for something to believe, then resist if it doesn't hold up, then look for some other solution. It's a push-pull. More insecure Sixes tend to simply accept others' ideas but they can also subject them to a good deal of testing and scrutiny. 

I think we need more resources about how the Enneagram interacts with mental illness. So many people have depression and anxiety and more... how do such common struggles interact with or throw a curveball into how we work with the Enneagram? 

I would love to see more resources on this topic! I haven't come across much exploration but I do know mental illness can throw a curveball into figuring out your type, particularly if it's been untreated or is not yet in maintenance mode. 

For the sake of simplifying this, let's consider people with untreated mental illness. They'll likely be operating out of the unhealthy levels of their type and in many cases may be so fully entrenched in their patterns, they're uninterested in learning how to get out of them, much less figuring out their Enneagram type.

If someone with mental illness does want to figure out their type, this is when those pesky arrows of disintegration might throw us off.

Riso and Hudson write, "When our personality is under stress for a long period of time, we may begin to shunt [to the Direction of Disintegration] so habitually that we may appear to be the type in the Direction of Disintegration. For this reason, people who have been suffering from emotional difficulties or major crises in their ives will often misidentify themselves as the type in their Direction of Disintegration rather than their basic type...We also have observed that people who have suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or who have significant borderline features in their personality, tend to move in their Direction of Disintegration more often and more easily. Their personalities have more volatility and are less strongly grounded in the basic type, and they therefore intensely shunt to the Direction of Disintegration" (p. 90, The Wisdom Of The Enneagram.)

How do symptoms of mental illness intersect with a type's behaviors? Riso and Hudson have made some correlations, which you can see in the levels of development for each type, showing the healthy, average, and unhealthy behaviors.

It might be most helpful for the person to figure out their Enneagram type with the help of their counselor or psychiatrist. 

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A couple of weeks ago I asked people on social media to submit their questions about the Enneagram. It's been a while since I've written about my favorite personality system and I was curious about what people wanted to know. The questions were amazing and I've had such a great time answering them. 

I decided to break this into three posts so you won't get too bogged down with information. Part 2 will be up tomorrow and part 3 the day after that.

If you're not familiar with the Enneagram, read my overview post. 

I have questions on trying to figure out my type. Best way to find type (quiz, app, reading, etc)? 

The best way to figure out your type is to read the type profiles and consider which one you are. I linked to the Enneagram Institute as a free resource and Beatrice Chestnut also gives great brief descriptions, but if you want to read a book instead, The Road Back To You is very accessible and engaging (FYI, it is written from a Christian perspective but faith is not overly front and center so I think non-Christians would still find benefit to reading it.) The Enneagram Made Easy is a basic, easy to understand guide as well. Most books include some sort of assessment tool.

Think about what is most true of you, most of the time. A few of the types might stand out from the others and you'll want to hone in from there. Pay attention to the core struggles and desires. You might go back and forth but eventually one type will stick out from the others. Don't be surprised if this realization isn't a happy one. Figuring out your type tends to make you wince. I was horrified when I realized I was a Four. But persevere and remember each type has amazing strengths as well. (Note: Sixes and Nines have the hardest time figuring out their type.) 

I don't recommend any free tests because they are rarely accurate. However, a couple of people have used Ian Cron's new Road Back To You assessment with good results and this could prove to be the exception to my rule. The Enneagram Institute has the RHETI for $12 and this tends to be good at identifying the top three possibilities. I've also heard good things about EnneaApp, which is a free app.

You could hire an Enneagram coach. Google and see if anyone is in your area. Otherwise, many offer sessions online. 

Lastly, there are Enneagram flashcards. There are quite a few different sorts you can do, with either yourself or someone else. Many counselors and spiritual directors use them in their practice so you may consider asking yours (or asking around if you don't already have these therapeutic relationships) to see if this is a possibility. Unless you plan on using them to help your friends and family figure out their type, it might not be worth buying your own set. But hey, you do you.

I cannot figure out my number! I get it narrowed down, and then I listen to a narrative about another number, and doubt myself. Any hints? 

As I mentioned above, Sixes and Nines have the hardest time figuring out their type. In the most stereotyped terms, Sixes because they want someone to tell them their type and Nines because they relate to all of the types. If you can relate to either of those things, perhaps start with profiles for those types.

Beyond that, it's not uncommon to have a tough time figuring out your type. 

It takes a lot of self-awareness and time to consider what's really true of you. It's hard to recognize what's at the root of our problems and motivations. How do we know what drives our behavior? The Enneagram gives us a language for our behaviors and motivations but it's not always clear cut when you're first learning about the nine types.

See how your top three guesses play out as you're discerning your type. Think about what's most true of you most of the time. Maybe you notice a particular positive or negative quality sometimes but on a day to day basis, look at what is really happening and whether you notice a type's core struggles and desires. Consider whether there's a common thread between your worries, fears, and frustrations, as this can help you figure out whether you relate to a type's core struggle.

One type will likely rise to the top and if they don't, then you'll want to go back to the drawing board and repeat this process.

Here's what 10 year ago me wanted to know: Okay, Enneagram, you've shown me who I *am* in all my unhealth, & who I have the potential to be...How do I get from here to there? What are my next steps from despairing, dramatic, alone to creative, universal, redemptive? I figured it out on my own, painstakingly. But I felt like the Enneagram books were lacking in practical advice, perhaps especially for Fours.

First, you have to really know your type. I like to tell people they have to "catch" themselves being their type. In your day to day, notice when you're being your type. For the Four, this could involve noticing the ebb and flow of your feelings, when you're comparing yourself to someone else, when you're thinking about how different or unique you are, when you're nursing hurt feelings (especially old wounds), or when you're lost in your daydreams.

I'd suggest reading several different profiles of your type and see what stands out. ("So that's why I do that!") Then in your day to day, notice it. When you feel like you have a good grasp on your type, then start reading about the arrows of integration and disintegration and see if you can catch yourself moving towards health or unhealth. Observation can be extremely instructive on how and what we need to work on.

I'm not sure what books you read but I've found The Wisdom Of The Enneagram and The Complete Enneagram to be very helpful in terms of the practices they suggest for each type. Both books lay out practical advice, as well as how each type can build on their strengths. Even The Enneagram Made Easy has a list of helpful suggestions.

Beyond that, the most helpful tool for me has been the Healing Attitudes, as laid out in chapter 16 of The Wisdom Of The Enneagram. There are three sentences for each type and they all start with the word "maybe." This opens us up to the idea that maybe this idea is more true about us than what we currently believe. 

When you first read your type's healing attitudes, they might feel impossible or untrue.For instance, our self-martyring Twos are going to have a hard time believing, "Maybe I could let someone else do this."

When I'm stressed or insecure, I go back to my healing attitudes and while there's still one that feels impossible, the other two have made a world of difference. And that gives me hope that one day that third healing attitude will become believable too.

This might sound really dumb but how do I truly move into health? I'm 100% a 9 and really struggle with motivation and ignoring the hard thing. Will creating a cleaning schedule and making a productivity plan (like GTD) truly help or is that just a band aid?

I love this kind of question! Creating schedules and making plans can be helpful but only to a point. It's probably more helpful to consider the "why" behind your resistance. Where is the lack of motivation coming from? Why do you want to ignore the hard thing? 

A sign of a healthy Nine is when they exert themselves into taking action. One of the Healing Attitudes is "Maybe I need to get energized and be involved." But getting there can take some time and you also don't want to overcorrect and exert so much that you exhaust yourself. Which is why figuring out your feelings is so important, maybe especially important for Nines who tend to tamp down their feelings and go along with what everyone else wants. 

That said, there are a few things you might try. The night before or in the morning, make a short list of what you want to accomplish that day. Give yourself definite deadlines- you can add more goals to your list once you've finished. Reward yourself when you've completed a task- time for a gold star! Trick yourself into doing chores by listening to podcasts or your favorite music while you work.

We Need To Talk: How To Have Conversations That Matter - Celeste Headlee 

My Review - 5 Stars

Celeste Headlee believes conversation can change the world and after reading her book We Need To Talk, I heartily agree.

Good conversations increase our empathy and they help us consider other points of view, whether it's a political issue or how to handle a tricky situation at work or even a helpful tip related to a household chore. We walk away understanding ourselves and the other person better than we did before.

This, of course, takes work. More importantly, it takes self-awareness. Most of us believe we're better conversationalists than we actually are.

And there's the rub. When I started reading, I thought I had a pretty good handle on my conversation skills. There are, of course, areas I can work on but overall, I thought I was in pretty good shape. I'm a great listener and naturally empathetic. I used to be a social worker, for pete's sake. It was tempting to think about how much other people really needed to read this book.

But Headlee called me out. Well, she called us all out. We've all made mistakes when it comes to conversation. We've said things we wish we hadn't, we've spaced out, our words have hurt the people we love and strangers alike. At a time when we're growing more divided and disconnected, we can't afford not to think about how to converse better. 

The book is divided into two parts. The first section focuses on the philosophy of conversation. How do we define a good or bad conversation? What can conversation teach us? What does the research say? I found chapter 3 about the hallmarks of good and bad conversation to be especially pertinent. Chapters 4 and 5 made me think a lot about my expectations of conversation and how I can fine tune my approach for difficult conversations. I may or may not have needed this reminder while discussing a hot political topic the other night.

The second half of the book offers practical suggestions, such as how to ask questions, the benefits of silence, and why repetition doesn't actually help us communicate. It also discusses when we shouldn't converse- because there are times when this is the correct response. I was underlining and asterisking so many parts. It's made me view conversation in a whole different light and I'm already trying to put her suggestions into practice.

We Need To Talk offers practical, insightful advice on how to improve our conversations. It's well-written and easy to read. In fact, it mimics Headlee's advice on how to have better conversations. It's focused and to the point. It's engaging. It asks good questions. It invites us to learn about ourselves and the world around us.

The truth is we all need to heed Headlee's wisdom. I have a feeling I'll be referring back to this book for years to come. It's not enough for me to read it; I need to apply its truths to my life. Hold me to it.

"The best conversations happen between two people who are considering each other. That's the definition of consideration, after all, to think carefully about the effect of what you say and do and try to avoid upsetting or harming another person with your words or actions." p. 232

Synopsis

An informative, timely, and practical guide to the lost—and essential—art of conversation from public radio host Celeste Headlee.

Take a moment to consider how many outcomes in your life may have been affected by poor communication skills. Could you have gotten a job you really wanted? Saved a relationship? What about that political conversation that got out of hand at Thanksgiving dinner? How is it that we so often fail to say the right thing at the right time?

In her career as an NPR host, journalist Celeste Headlee has interviewed hundreds of people from all walks of life, and if there’s one thing she’s learned, it’s that it’s hard to overestimate the power of conversation and its ability to both bridge gaps and deepen wounds. In We Need to Talk, she shares what she’s learned on the job about how to have effective, meaningful, and respectful conversations in every area of our lives.

Now more than ever, Headlee argues, we must begin to talk to and, more importantly, listen to one another—including those with whom we disagree. We Need to Talk gives readers ten simple tools to help facilitate better conversations, ranging from the errors we routinely make (put down the smart phone when you’re face to face with someone) to the less obvious blind spots that can sabotage any conversation, including knowing when not to talk, being aware of our own bias, and avoiding putting yourself in the center of the discussion.

Whether you’re gearing up for a big conversation with your boss, looking to deepen or improve your connection with a relative, or trying to express your child’s needs to a teacher, We Need to Talk will arm you with the skills you need to create a productive dialogue.

Buy The Book Here:

HarperCollins | Amazon | Barnes & Noble

About Celeste Headlee

Celeste Headlee is the host of the daily news show On Second Thought on Georgia Public Broadcasting. She has spent more than a decade with National Public Radio and has been a host for Public Radio International since 2008. Celeste has appeared on CNN, the BBC, PBS, and MSNBC. She’s also a classically trained soprano who doesn’t get enough time to sing anymore. She has one son and one rescue dog, and lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

Find out more about Celeste at her website, and connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Disclosure: I received an ARC from TLC Book Tours in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links included in this post.