"i thank you god for this most amazing day.

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,

and for the blue dream of sky and for

everything which is natural,

which is infinite, which is yes." -e. e. cummings

You sensed a shift a month or so ago. You're content, more accepting of imperfection, more accepting of yourself. Your clockwork SAD never visits this winter, in spite of the unseasonable cold. Is it because of counseling or essential oils? Is it the cumulative effort of undoing the lies and shame?

This past fall, you looked at your shortlist of travel destinations and started dreaming of who you'd visit over spring break. So many friends to see, so little time and even less money for airfare. You especially wanted to visit one friend on her fairytale farm but the odds of an affordable flight seem slim. You told yourself it would happen some day.

But the idea wouldn't leave you so you searched flights every so often. Just to see. Just in case. And then one January day, an option appeared and you booked it. No takebacks, airline! You and your friend were giddy over this turn of fortune. (Is this where the shift began? Perhaps this, alongside a slew of other unexpected gifts.)

Two nights before the trip, your friend texted you about expected snow. Oh, snow. But it wouldn't interfere with your flight and you suspected you could live with a ground covering.

"I think it will be good and healing for us to have this time together," you told her. You don't question the impressions and feelings regularly accompanying your day.

And it is indeed good and healing to spend the week at Storybook Farm.

Another friend picks you up from the airport. You talk about life while the car wends its way through country lanes. You pull up to the house and see the cow and her calf grazing. It's a beautiful reunion. The three of you can't stop laughing because you're finally together again. The next day she and her son head back home to Baltimore.

And then it's just you and your friend and her animals and her family. She welcomes you in to her world. Over the next few days you sip hot beverages and talk at various table for hours. Her cat, the one who doesn't like strangers, becomes your constant companion. One of her sons reads a book about sap and syrup to you. You watch her spin wool in to yarn and you see how very much this life suits her.

You never expected to like Virginia quite this much.

You speak truth over one another and when it is your turn to listen, you do your best to accept it. She calls out your most shining qualities. She says you are a balm. She repeats herself until you start to believe. You cry when her words particularly resonate but you do not apologize for your tears. You don't need to.

You are fully seen.

You are fully loved.

You don't have to be anything other than yourself. It is enough. You are enough.

A day or two before you leave, the snow melts and the ground is less muddy. It's in the 60s and the sun lights up everything around you. The grass is green and the sky whispers of spring. It is here. It is almost here.

The maple trees keep filling the jars with their sap. The sheep is about to birth a lamb. The chickens will hatch shortly after that. Farming speaks of seasons, of births, and of new beginnings. You realize you feel whole.

Maybe you have felt whole for a while but there it is, reflected in the eyes of your friend, in the ease of your smile. There's still work to be done, yes. But there is much to celebrate as well.

You add this trip to the list of extravagances from this past year. You stop wishing you had something to show for these beautiful gifts. This is the time to receive, to sit with hands cupped and grateful.

This is infinite. This is yes.

Linking up with my friends at LoveFeast Table for the Gathered Thoughts Party. You are invited to link up a Gathered Thoughts post at the LoveFeast Table Gathered Thoughts Link Party to win a 365 Gathered Thoughts Box of your own. Or leave a comment to win a set of spiral journal notebooks.  Head over there for more details.  

Two years ago a friend and I grabbed one of the last tables at 3rd and Lindsley. We ordered fried pickles and the hot salt perfectly melded with cool ranch dressing. A few feet away, Andrew Ripp belted out an a capella rendition of Joy to the World and the whole crowd clapped along. Christmas spirit descended in to our midst and there was no containing our joy.

Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors took the stage and it should have been enough but there my thoughts went wandering. All over a boy. Not much else would take my mind off of music. A few weeks prior, a much anticipated second date transpired. The kind of evening where you sense a third date will emerge. Only one hadn't. We'd fallen back in to the "will he or won't he" dance that permeated our interactions for months.

Sure, I became frustrated when it seemed the banter was going nowhere. But then he'd reference something obscure I'd told him and something told me to be patient. 

Patience isn't my strong suit, despite its recurring theme in my life.

I rationalized his caution. I so rarely meet intriguing single men that I had a hard time sticking to the conflicting dating advice I received. If he's into you, he'll pursue you. Don't say yes if he asks you out over text message. Ask him where it's going. Let him set the tone. And on and on it went.

I was confused but mostly accepted that a third date looked unlikely. I didn't want to wait for him to make up his mind. This unknowing had gone on long enough. (If you only knew how long.)

However, it didn't keep me from wondering about him as Drew and Ellie sang. The room teemed with reminders of my singleness- song lyrics, Drew and Ellie's chemistry, couples at surrounding tables. It was bittersweet to have experienced the promise of a relationship so close to Christmas. It may only been a couple of dates but that first date was unlike others I'd been on.

It made me think this guy would be different, that this could be my bright light in a year marked with uncertainty and loss. When the inevitable question arose at holiday gatherings, I could practically picture myself leaning in to tell an aunt, "well, there is this one guy..." But it apparently wasn't meant to be.

It was a great show, despite my distracted thoughts. My friend and I agreed it should be a yearly tradition. Once home, I puttered around, my thoughts racing back toward him. The "what if's?" had their say and then the "why me's?", followed by "I'm going to be alone forever."

I surveyed the wreckage of my dating life and could only come to that conclusion. A couple of dates dashed my contentment to pieces. With Christmas around the corner, I felt alone. Not lonely, mind you. But alone.

A few weeks prior, my younger brother married. A few weeks before that our grandmother died unexpectedly. The landscape of our family would look markedly different this holiday season but I stayed the same. No boyfriend or fiancé to speak of. Just me.

All these thoughts flooded my mind.

I didn't want to be single for another Christmas. Not because singleness is awful- I'll fight anyone who says that- but because I want to share my life with someone. I want to hold my husband's hand as we sit around the tree. I want to experience the magic of the season in a whole new way.

It hadn't happened two years ago and it hasn't happened now. A good man is hard to find and it only seems more difficult at Christmas.

I'm used to navigating life by myself. Most days I scarcely notice I'm alone because this is simply life and a glorious one at that. But there are moments when my aloneness screams at me: Christmas, weddings, funerals, family gatherings.

I know I'm not truly alone. I am connected to all manner of family and friends. They ground me. I may wish to share my life with the man of my dreams but I am already sharing my life with people who love me as I am.

The other day I read Henri Nouwen's words on waiting in the Advent book Watch for the Light. He says, "patient people dare to stay where they are." Hopeful waiting is patient and open-ended and oh is this my struggle when it comes to dating and so many other things.

So I circle back to the lesson I've been learning the last few years: I'm tethering my hopes and dreams to the present. I'm daring to see what else is left to learn about being alone.

I don't share much about my dating life but this story kept nagging me as the holidays drew nearer. This post was originally published at  A Deeper Story.

That title is another way of saying, "I am a geek for all things Enneagram." I really, truly am. The more I've shared about it on social media, the more people ask me about it and what type they are.

A few things you should know: figuring out your type is just the first step in the journey and knowing your type just might change your life. Also, while I am definitely an Enneagram geek, I'm still learning.

Ennea-what?

The Enneagram (pronounced any-uh-gram) is the study of the 9 basic types of people and originated from Christian desert monk and medieval Sufi sources. It explains why we behave the way we do but also provides a pathway for individual growth. Understanding your type and the type of your loved ones can vastly improve relationships. It is commonly used in the Catholic tradition, especially in monasteries. When viewed from a Christian lens, it helps us identify the ways we hide from ourselves and from God. But to be clear, this is not a religious tool; our current understanding of the Enneagram is thanks to psychologists. 

The Enneagram is represented by a circle connecting the nine types. The types are also connected by arrows and are grouped into three centers. Your personality may be influenced by the types on either side of yours. These are your wing types and one is usually more dominant than the other. For instance, I'm a 4, meaning 3 and 5 are my wings. Since 5 is more dominant for me, I'm a 4w5.

One prominent theory recommends people not explore the Enneagram until they are in their mid to late 20s, with 30s being the ideal age to start.  You need to have fully developed your character and natural ways of dealing with life.

I really want to emphasize the pathway of growth. Each of the 9 types has positive and negative qualities. And trust me, the negative qualities are awful and stark. You won't like admitting to those parts of yourself. But, take heart! We are not doomed to stay there.

It's about wholeness and understanding what makes you tick. This is why I love it: it shows you how you can be a better person. Each type has some wonderful, amazing qualities we can be proud of. The goal of the Enneagram is that as we grow, we will embody more of our type's positive qualities and less of the negative qualities. We will be able to move around the circle and be our best selves.

The Types

• One: The Reformer (The Need to be Perfect)

• Two: The Helper (The Need to be Needed)

• Three: The Achiever (The Need to Succeed)

• Four: The Individualist (The Need to be Special)

• Five: The Observer (The Need to Perceive)

• Six: The Questioner (The Need for Security)

• Seven: The Enthusiast (The Need to Avoid Pain)

• Eight: The Challenger (The Need to be Against)

• Nine: The Peacemaker (The Need to Avoid)

(Note: some of the types have different names associated with them depending on the author/researcher.)

Arrows and Centers (sounds Robin Hood-ish)

Image via Enneagram Made Easy

This tends to be the stage where people get overwhelmed by the Enneagram so don't look much into this until you've figured out your type and have gotten to know it pretty well. Besides wings, each type is connected to two other types via arrows. When relaxed, you take on the positive quality of the number connected to yours in this order: 1-7-5-8-2-4-1 and 3-6-9-3. The reverse direction shows how you respond when stressed. If you're familiar with Myers Briggs, this is similar to the concept of Shadow Types.

The types are divided into three centers, corresponding to the three centers of the body: the heart, the head, and the gut.

The Heart/Healing Center (focused around Image) contains 2s, 3s, and 4s.

The Head/Thinking Center (focused around Fear) contains 5s, 6s, and 7s.

The Gut/Instinctive Center (focused around Anger) contains 8s, 9s, and 1s.

Figuring Out Your Type

And now the fun part! Lean in close because I'm going to tell you how to determine your Enneagram type...

The best way to figure out your type is to cuddle up with the type profiles, read each one over, and then ponder and consider which one you are. Get one of these books or read through the Enneagram Institute profiles. I'm serious. Read and then contemplate. Think about how you acted in your teens and 20s and how you've matured since then. Think about what is most true of you, most of the time. You might see a bit of yourself in all the types but one of them should stand out as being the closest to who you are. Not everything in your basic type will apply. For some people, this will be a short process. For others, longer. You might go back and forth between two or three possibilities. But eventually, you'll decide.

Figuring out your type might not make you feel all that great because you have to admit to your negative characteristics, even if they're not an overt part of your life. But remember: the Enneagram provides a path to wholeness.

In fall/winter 2010, I read Richard Rohr's The Enneagram on a friend's recommendation. (Incidentally, this is not the book I'd recommend starting with, especially if you're not religious. See my recommendations here.) As I contemplated the types, I narrowed it down to two possibilities. Over a couple of weeks, I figured out I was a 4. Since then, I've grown to appreciate my 4-ness and recognize all the progress I've made, even before I knew anything about the Enneagram. Knowing my type has been a source of comfort and strength. It helps knowing why I respond the way I do, especially in terms of figuring out coping skills and boundaries. I also celebrate the great characteristics of being a 4, of which there are many, and to see which of those qualities are becoming more prominent.

No one can tell you your Enneagram type than you. As you learn about the types, it may be tempting to tell others what you think they are but the Enneagram is ultimately a process of discovery. 

That's not to say no one can help you figure it out. Counselors often use the Enneagram in their work. A close friend or family member may be a great listening board and source of insights as you figure things out.

OK, OK. I hear you. You don't really have time to read all the type profiles or you're worried you'll get it wrong. There are a couple of options.

You could hire an Enneagram coach. (Google and see if anyone is in your area. Otherwise, many offer sessions online.)

There are free tests but I can't really recommend them because they are not necessarily accurate. The Enneagram Institute has a short free test, as well as a full-length test for $10. I've also heard good things about the app EnneaApp.

Lastly, there are Enneagram flashcards. I about swooned with joy when my counselor used these. (They confirmed I'm a 4.) I was so impressed, I decided to get my own set so I can help family and friends figure out their type. There are quite a few different sorts you can do, with either yourself or someone else. 

A special set of circumstances came up earlier this week and I FaceTimed a friend through figuring out her type. There were flashcards all over my kitchen but we made it work!

Now You Know Your Type...

Once you know your type, the journey begins. You'll want to read more about your type (resources below) and consider your wings and the aforementioned Arrows and Centers section. You'll begin to notice how it plays out in your day to day life.

This is also where the path to wholeness comes in. Each type has Unhealthy, Average, and Healthy Levels. I love that they lay it all out: here's what we can expect and aspire to, according to our type.

Here's what it looks like for a 4.

Info via Enneagram Institute on Type Four

By identifying our temptations, defense mechanisms, core struggles (root sin, per Richard Rohr), and life tasks, we normalize our experience, while also experiencing the freedom to grow and change. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

Resources

The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective- Richard Rohr

The Wisdom of the Enneagram- Riso and Hudson

The Enneagram Made Easy- Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele

Enneagram Institute (tons of free resources)

I could keep going but I'll pause for now. What else do you want to know? What Enneagram type are you?

Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this post.  If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports this site.

You might not guess this about me but I love having my picture taken. By whoever happens to have a camera. Go ahead and take your best shot.

I also love looking at pictures. I have big photo albums stuffed with pictures of friends and family. Pictures from vacations, White Sox games, Chili and Doughnut Night, and hanging with my sweet nieces- and nephews-in-love. Every so often, I'll swing an album off the bookshelf and flip through the pages.

Of course, I have opinions on how I look in these pictures but I'm no Mariah Carey demanding to be only shot from the left. (Or was it her right? No matter. Suffice it to say Mariah has more opinions than I do.) I cherish my hot bridesmaid pictures and the others in which I recognize my beauty.

Last year I turned down the chance to be photographed by a phenomenal photographer. I was on a retreat with friends and feeling out of sorts. Sleep-deprived, emotional, not fully myself. I wasn't ready to be seen. I knew Kelly would really see me in my not me-ness and those pictures would be no good. Except they would be good because she's that good. 

This past weekend we all traveled to the same magical place and Kelly, sweetheart that she is, offered to take my picture again. This time I was prepared. I requested pictures be taken the first day, instead of waiting til the end. (Good decision since I was overtired and emotional when I left Sunday.) I packed my new favorite dress- a stellar thrift find by Danielle Vermeer. I asked Amber to do my makeup. I now want her to do my makeup every day.

More importantly, I was surrounded by dear friends. I felt lighter in spirit and more myself. I was happy and happy to be seen through the lens of a camera. Happy to be captured as I am.

Throughout my session with Kelly, she remarked on my beauty and my sass. And wouldn't you know but it shows? This is me. The me that I am and the me that I want to be each day. I'm in the process of figuring out who I really am at this time in my life but maybe all it takes is an afternoon with a talented friend and her camera. Maybe all it takes is one person really seeing me.

Throughout the weekend, Kelly took the time to tell me she saw me. What an immeasurable gift!

I posed and I twirled and I laughed.

I told Kelly I felt special that day. It's fun to put on a favorite dress and have someone do my makeup, especially on what would otherwise be an ordinary day. It's eye-opening to see myself the way someone else sees me.

It started with Uganda and Burundi. I marked it with a pixie cut. These pictures are proof that life is on the upswing, in spite of uncertainty and change. It's not all perfect. Far from it. But I'm working through it and taking the rest day by day.

I'm ready for what's next.

All photos taken by destination photographer Kelly Sauer. I cannot recommend her highly enough. Are these pictures not the most stunning things you've ever seen? Pretty sure you need her to come take pictures of you.

Sara and I dance like nobody's watching, Melissa and Neil's wedding, 2006

I'm not the most obvious candidate when it comes to spontaneous dancing. I only went to two school dances. Outside of high school and college gym electives, I've never taken a dance class. And I'm not sure whether the kind of dancing that occurred at frat parties should be considered dancing.

Nonetheless, I love to dance. Also, I don't know or care whether I'm a "good" dancer.

If there's dancing at a wedding, I'm the first person out on the floor. I love watching shows and movies about dancing. I'll dance in my car, after movie credits, and yes, in my living room.

Joy should not be contained.

Several years ago, Jill, Kibibi, and I watched a movie and when the credits rolled, we started swaying and bopping around Jill's living room. I don't remember if I started it or one of them. Only that we've been cheering for Living Room Dance Parties ever since.

Certain songs come on and I only know I have to move. A friend calls with good news and there must be a Living Room Dance Party in their honor. Having a bad day? It's definitely time to shake it.

It would not be a stretch to say I have a Living Room Dance Party most days of the week.

Now, LRDPs don't necessarily last for more than one song. Sometimes it's just me, sometimes it's with friends. My nanny-baby and I usually dance a few different times throughout the day. Let me tell you: she's got moves. You don't know happiness until you've heard a baby excited about our daily dance party.

There's something about responding to music through dance. Whether you shake, shimmy, flail your hands, or stomp your feet, you can dance out any emotion and see what story your body wants to tell. It may lack the finesse of a choreographed routine but LRDPs are more about expression than perfection.

Earlier this week, a few friends shared good news, both big and small. As I drove home from work, I knew my happiness needed to dance it out. I walked into my house, set down my bags, and turned on my go-to song: Try A Little Tenderness.

The tempo starts out slow and soft but by the end, Otis Redding is in a frenzy and I can't get enough of it.

If we're hanging out some night and music comes on, don't be surprised if I declare, "Living Room Dance Party!" and pull you on your feet. You don't have to dance with me. But honestly, I'm not sure how you'll be able to resist.

This, friends, is how I revel.