People make a place home. That’s what I always believed, at least until last June when I moved back to my hometown. Moving during a pandemic was not ideal but it was clarifying. I’d been debating over a shortlist of towns and cities for months but when the time came to make the decision, I immediately knew. It was time to move home.

But what was home after a decade away? And what is home when you’re not able to safely see many of the people you love?

This is what I’ve lived into this past year. People can be one of the best parts of a home but the place, the setting is not irrelevant.

Last November I headed to a forest preserve for a socially distanced walk with a friend. As we started down the path, I tried to remember the last time I’d been there. I’m relatively certain I never went on any of my visits home during my decade out of state but did I go one last time in the months leading up to my move to Nashville? I no longer recall.

Nor can I remember the first time I went there. It’s a place that feels like it’s always been a part of my life. I remember going out on the lake in a boat with my best friends in high school, the origin of one of our funniest inside jokes. I took the longer trail during my training to hike the Grand Canyon in my mid-20s. There were countless picnics and walks with friends.

It’s a place you take for granted because of how often you go, until you realize you no longer remember the last time you set foot there.

We rounded the path on that beautiful day and I took in the familiar trail and the lake and the trees with the leaves abloom with fall color.

I felt as rooted as those trees.

It struck me how this forest preserve was also home. It watched me grow up, season after season. The trees grew and bloomed and shed year after year, silent witnesses to all who took its paths.

It reminded me of who I was and who I am and who I will be.

Before moving back, I went through a four year period of instabilities and unknowns. Last spring my friend Micha observed that I was untethered. Untethered. That word snapped it all into focus. I had nothing anchoring me. I had a place to live in Knoxville but it wasn’t where I planned on staying. And yet I didn’t know where I wanted to go next.

Then I returned home, anchored once more. I already knew where the grocery stores were, as well as the closest bank. When I needed an oil change, there was no guessing game about where to go. When my car had an issue, I called up my old mechanic and felt profound relief to have someone who I knew would be honest and fair.

Not everything was the same. Businesses opened and closed aplenty in my 10 years away and more closed because of the pandemic. But the familiar roads and streets endured. The only time I looked up a route was to ensure I had remembered the correct shortcut.

I’m not the same either and my relationships have changed as well. There has been death, divorce, and estrangement. There have been weddings and babies. Friends have moved away. But we're all still connected one way or another.

Memories accompanied me as I drove around town. The blocks my best friends and I would walk around late at night. The park where I went on an ill-fated date and the old video store where I ran into the boy who would give me my first kiss. My grandparents’ old house. The pool where I took swimming lessons and the restaurant with the best Old Fashioned. The many hospice patients I saw. My high school, so much bigger due to additional construction over the years. The library which hosted our Battle of the Books tournaments and gave me my first library card. The houses where my friends live now.

During a year where I did not see many of loved ones, it was place that let me know I was home once more.

Even in the hard stretch of months where it was too cold to stand in someone’s backyard, I had constant reminders of these roots. I was not alone. I was still anchored—and this place made it clear.

It’s not perfect. But it’s home. And it’s the place.

P.S. Feedburner no longer delivers blog posts by email so I've switched over to Mailchimp for delivery, since they also have my very infrequently sent author newsletter. You can subscribe here. I'm hoping to get back into the rhythm of writing essays again. It's been too long.

January is National Puzzle Month so I obviously need to share my favorite puzzles of last year.

In January 2020 I got back into puzzles and wow was that ever A+ decision-making. I used to love putting puzzles together as a kid and I've enjoyed helping friends working on theirs when I visited over the years. Sometime in 2019 I decided I should just start buying my own or asking for them as Christmas gifts. Shortly thereafter, my roommate and I put one together.

An obsession was born.

And I do mean an obsession. Once I start a puzzle, I have a hard time concentrating on anything else until it's done, to the point where I try not to start one until the weekend so I'm free to do nothing but work on it while listening to podcasts or the occasional audiobook. 

The pandemic began several weeks after my roommate and I finished working on that puzzle. I had a few others in my stash at that point but I quickly ordered more. If I couldn't travel anymore, then this was going to be my indulgence.

Truly, it's the best thing I ever could have done for my mental health. From mid-March to May, I did one puzzle every weekend and it was my saving grace. I moved back to the Chicago suburbs in June which threw me off for a few weeks. I've now settled into doing one or two puzzles a month, although I did two puzzles during Election Week alone. It was the only reason I was able to work or get any sleep that week.

Another unexpected benefit of this hobby is seeing all my friends who also enjoy working on puzzles. We've traded, we've buddy puzzled (working on the same puzzle at the same time from our respective homes), we've cheered each other on. And of course, we've enabled each other to buy more puzzles. Hopefully this will enable you too!

Affiliate links included in this post. But pro tip: I recommend signing up for the newsletters of your favorite puzzle makers so you'll be aware of sales and to keep track of what's in stock.

Galison Cool Cats A-Z 1000 piece puzzle

I bought this at One More Page Books in Arlington, VA while hanging out with Kini and Kim in January. That was such a great day! A week later, my then-roommate Kayla and I put it together, which was so much fun. I did it again in August in my new apartment. I don’t know if it’s because I’d worked on it before or if I’ve just become an expert puzzler but it came together SO fast once I connected the edge pieces. This one is absolutely a keeper.

Mudpuppy The United States 1000 piece puzzle

This was an absolute dream to put together. I was a little worried about all that green and blue but there wound up being very few pieces that were just plain solid color. I’m already looking forward to the next time I put this together!

White Mountain Readers Paradise 1000 piece puzzle

This was my first time doing a White Mountain puzzle and I want to do more from them. The pieces are larger! Pure enjoyment from start to finish.

EuroGraphics Eilean Donan Castle 1000 piece puzzle

(Keeping the caption from my Instagram post because it still makes me laugh.)

Great news: I finally finished the most challenging puzzle I’ve ever worked on.
Bad news: The puzzle never turned into a portal that carried me to a hot Scotsman in post-coronavirus times. Alas. Maybe next time.

Galison Full Bloom 1000 piece puzzle

The only way this puzzle could be better is if the flowers turned into real blooms. Can you imagine?! The colors are even more vibrant in person. Definitely a keeper!

Geo Toys San Francisco Metropuzzle 1000 piece puzzle

This was a thoroughly good challenge. I moved away from SF in Fall 2016 and it’s one of my favorite places I’ve ever lived. Working on this made me extremely nostalgic for my old haunts and it made me miss my people there, even more than usual. I’d been hoping to go back for a visit in the summer. I guess the visit will be that much sweeter whenever it happens. (I'm going to have to do their Chicago puzzle soon!)

Galison Phat Dog Vintage Library 1000 piece puzzle

If you too want to feel like a puzzle champ, this is the one for you! Hands down the fastest I’ve ever put together a 1000 piece puzzle! This was such a fun one to work on and I think it would be a great option for beginners.

Buffalo Games Cinque Terre, Italy 1000 piece puzzle

This puzzle is very close to a photo I used to make a graphic for my client J.T. Ellison’s forthcoming thriller Her Dark Lies and I knew it would make for a cool book background too. So I put it together and surprised her with a bunch of photos. This was a very challenging puzzle and a perfect choice for my anxious brain.

Ravensburger Antique Map 1000 piece puzzle

Why, look! Another map puzzle. I don't know why I love map puzzles so much but I'm not questioning it. I saved this one for when I really needed to clear my brain. It sure was a doozy to work on and just the challenge I needed! 

Galison Ideal Bookshelf 1000 piece puzzle

This was my first puzzle of the pandemic. I started it Friday night and barely did anything else until I finished it Sunday afternoon. It was the BEST distraction and my concentration was infinitely improved for the week after. I decided to start doing a puzzle every weekend thereafter.

Cavallini & Co Wildflower 1000 piece puzzle

This was one of my election week puzzles, which had the distinction of being worked on during the week, instead of the weekend. I was barely able to focus on books (this never happens) so I worked on this at lunch, while waiting for the kettle to boil, after work, and everywhere in between. So I'm grateful for that. But this was also my first time putting together a Cavallini & Co puzzle and I was super impressed with the whole design, right down to the canister box and cloth bag for the pieces.

Litographs 'Twas The Night Before Christmas 500 piece puzzle

This really truly was the most difficult puzzle of my life. This took sooooo many hours. I ordered it thinking it wouldn’t be too bad. Until I opened up the box. And saw how small the pieces were. And that tiny, tiny print on them. (The design is made from the words of the poem.) I was in trouble. But I put this sucker together piece by painstaking piece and emerged victorious!!!

My friend Anne at Modern Mrs. Darcy hosts an annual linkup for people to share what's saving their life right now. I love the idea and the inspiration but I've never participated before this. 

I'm in the middle of a hard season and I'm even more intentional about self-care and conserving my energy as a result so I thought it might be nice to reflect on and list out the things that are indeed keeping me going right now.

Good books

Reading is what keeps me sane. Here are several of my favorite reads from this past month: Susanna Kearsley's The Shadowy Horses, Alisha Rai's Wrong To Need You (second book in series), Renée Adieh's The Wrath & The Dawn, an advance review copy of Austin Channing Brown's I'm Still Here (preorder it!!!), Nicola Cornick's The Phantom Tree (also an advance review copy), Lisa Kleypas's Cold-Hearted Rake, Laurelin Paige's Dirty Filthy Rich Love (book two of a romance duology and not for everyone), CD Reiss's Hardball, and Helen Macdonald's H Is For Hawk. Good books fill up my soul.

Christmas mug from Pen And Paint

Look, I know it isn't Christmas anymore but how can using a mug that says Be Filled With Cheer ever be a bad thing? I love it so much, I hand wash it every day just so it's ready to be used in the morning again.

Tea

Right now it's coming down to Harney & Son's Green Tea with Coconut and Yorkshire Gold. Echinacea Plus from Traditional Medicinals is helping boost my immune system and when I was felled by a cold over Christmas (because I forgot to bring the Echinacea tea with me!), Gypsy Cold Care and Throat Coat got me back to rights.

Bookstagram

The book community on Instagram is absolutely incredible. My Instagram account morphed into a bookstagram account this past year and in August I made an intentional choice to make it all books all the time. 

No matter what is going on in my life, I always have books. Instagram went from being something that made me feel bad to something that has brought me great amounts of joy. I love figuring out how to share what I'm reading in visual form and connecting with other book nerds.

The Healing Attitudes

Of all the things I've learned about myself since figuring out my Enneagram type almost eight years ago, the Healing Attitudes have been one of the best, most healing tools. They're in my go-to resource Riso and Hudson's The Wisdom Of The Enneagram. Each type has three phrases that open them up to another way of doing life. They're gentle, even though they seem impossible at first. 

I've been repeating the healing attitudes for Type Four for a few years now and it's made a world of difference. There's still one that I can't quite believe is true, especially in seasons like this, but I have hope one day I will. And in the meantime, the others are good to remember on the hard days.

Mantras and Meditation

Similarly, I've been incorporating more mantras this past year to stay centered. At night when I'm having my usual difficulty falling asleep, I repeat "I am tired. I'm ready to rest." I breathe in on "I am tired" and exhale on "I'm ready to rest." My thoughts tend to race at bedtime and having a mantra to latch onto helps calm my mind down enough to fall asleep. Well, that and melatonin or Olly Sleep. 

The other mantras keep me grounded. I first learned about mindfulness about 15 years ago in my Dialectical Behavior Theory class in grad school. (Learning how to meditate as part of class was AWESOME.) I've found I do better when a mantra is at the center of my mindfulness practice. I'm not always good about taking time to meditate but I am trying to use either the Headspace or Insight Timer apps more regularly. It makes a difference.

Nayyirah Waheed's poetry

After admiring Nayyirah Waheed’s poetry the past few years, I gifted myself a copy of salt. and lo it was an excellent decision. Here’s to the revolution. 

Team Leigh

My friends are to be praised. They have taken good care of me, especially the past few months. Allison regularly signs off her emails or texts about being Team Leigh. I'm encouraged by how many people are rooting for me—and regularly remind me of that fact. It makes a world of difference.  They have helped in tangible ways, whether it's passing my resume along or treating me for tea. So often a text or Vox has arrived at the exact moment I needed it. To know my friends believe in me and believe good things are ahead means more than I can say.

I have to give special acknowledgment to my friend Megan. A number of months ago I asked some friends to check in on me regularly and she has been there so consistently. It can feel all kinds of risky and vulnerable to ask for help so to have someone follow through the way Megan has spoke volumes. It helps knowing I have her in my back pocket, only ever a text away.

Thoughtful presents from friends

Whether it's literary tea from my best friends or Jane Austen socks from Micha or a book candle from Amanda, these thoughtful Christmas and birthday gifts made me feel so seen and known and loved. Gifts are my number one love language but it's never the fact of a present but the meaning behind it. These gifts had so much meaning. 

Staying (mostly) Facebook-free

Sometime in November, I stopped using Facebook for the most part. While I still post things on my blog Facebook page, I stopped sharing articles and pictures and status updates on my personal account. I stopped checking in on most of the groups that I'm part of. I just stopped.

There was no grand epiphany. Simply a recognition that I did not have the emotional reserves to deal with Facebook. As an Enneagram Type Four, envy and comparison is my greatest struggle and when I'm stressed, it's really hard for me to be on Facebook. Even if I know people are putting their best foot forward, it's hard for me not to compare their best with my current reality. And it's extra hard for me to notice how many likes and comments other people's posts get compared to mine.

I usually take a couple of social media breaks per year but they've never been more than a few days- a week at the most. It's strange to only go on there to post something to my page account but it's liberating to not think about what or how to share something on my personal account. I'll scroll through the first few things on my newsfeed, look up specific pages or friends from whom I want an update, and then I'm out. It won't last forever but it's the right call for now.

Disclosure: Affiliate links included in this post.

Photo by Josh Applegate on Unsplash

My mind did not initially register what I saw.

I walked toward where my car was parked and saw a white car with random parts on the ground in front of it, the bumper hanging partially off, the headlight busted. What happened to that car, I wondered. How did that even happen?

Wait. 

"You guys," I yelled to my friends, trying to keep the note of hysteria from creeping in. "Look at what happened to my car!" 

Melissa and Danielle rushed over from where they'd been headed and we gaped at the destruction. 

This was not how the weekend was supposed to go.

We had picked a random town in Wisconsin to meet up at the end of July. I hadn't seen Melissa and Danielle since before I moved to San Francisco but now that we lived in adjoining states, it was time to catch up. 

We've been friends for almost 20 years now and it's easy to feel like we're still in college when we're together, no matter how much has changed since then. Saturday evening  we'd visited a brewery and then found a restaurant serving our beloved fried pickles. We all agreed: these were as good as the ones at La Grotto's. No small feat. Sunday morning we'd planned on checking out a cute coffee shop we'd passed on the way to the brewery.

That plan was put on hold as it became clear my car had been the victim of a hit and run. While a few hotel guests had witnessed it happen late the night before, they had been unable to catch the license plate. 

On any given day, my mind is a wild cacophony of thoughts. Put me in some sort of difficult situation and those thoughts take a hyperbolic and/or fatalistic direction. Welcome to the jungle.

I needed to drive home that afternoon. Was my car even drivable? If it wasn't, how would I get back to the Twin Cities? I didn't know any mechanics there. How soon could it be fixed? What would I do if I had to stay in Wisconsin? What about work? 

Then looming behind all that: the knowledge my temp job would be ending soon without any good prospects on the horizon. I was about to be unemployed again while having to pay my deductible and a portion of the rental car for something that wasn't my fault. Stressed was an understatement.

This all passed through my mind in seconds.

Then I took a deep breath. If I'd been there on my own, I might have fallen apart. The last straw and all that.

But I wasn't alone.

I looked at Danielle and Melissa and this zen state came over me. Unlike most things in my life, I didn't have to go through this on my own.

Sure, there was still strong language but the hysteria that tried to take hold quickly ebbed away. Everything rolled off my back. I focused on one thing at a time: talking to the sheriff's department, calling insurance, determining if my car was drivable.

Emotional equanimity is the gift of the healthy Four and that day it was on display in full force. I am convinced my friends were a big part of that. Their presence kept me present. They kept checking on me because they were ready for the breakdown. I was upset but I held it together because what else can you do?

Instead, I focused on what I did have.

My friends stayed by my side while I made phone calls and waited for the police. They waited with me and took me out for tea while we waited for a mechanic and drove to get  gorilla tape and took my mind off of the weight of this new disaster. 

Unless you have been single for many years, I'm not sure you'll understand how much this means.

I wasn't alone.

Let me repeat that: I wasn't alone.

I'm in charge of everything in my life. Whether it's chores around the house or everything that comes with moving out of state, it all comes down to me. It can be exhausting but I'm used to it. I don't have a choice. Either I take care of things or they don't get done. Full stop.

When it came to this car debacle, I still had to make all the phone calls and deal with the car rental company and the mechanic. But I had two dear friends by my side and that made all the difference. Having Melissa and Danielle there to bear witness and help out in tangible ways was a balm. I didn't know how much I needed that balm. 

The gift of presence goes farther than any of us ever know.

Here's the thing. You make the best decision you can given the information you have. When I realized last summer I wanted to work at a library, I thought the only way to do so was to get my MLIS degree. I hoped the end justified the means. Only I realized it didn't.

Last Thursday I submitted paperwork to withdraw from the MLIS program.

*****

On June 1 I went to orientation for school. I was quite overwhelmed by the expectations by the end of the night. I chalked it up to not having been in grad school for 13 years. I missed the first class because I was in Dublin. I missed the second class because my flight home was canceled and the rebooked flight got me back too late.

That weekend I downloaded the syllabus, got my textbook, and started in on homework. I added the assignment due dates to my planner. I knew it would be tough- the long days of work and class, fitting in homework, figuring out how to write papers again. It'll be worth it, I'd mutter.

But as I read articles and mapped out what would be required of me, it all felt wrong. Like "I'm making a mistake" kind of wrong. I was freaking out, to say the least.

I could only think about what I was giving up. Almost all of my 5 pillars of singleness would be put on hold for the next four years until I was done. FOUR YEARS. My soul shriveled at the thought of not being able to experience community here to its fullest and the way I was already having to plan travel around school breaks and saying no to fun invitations.

Plus, the debt! Plus, there was no guarantee I'd find a position at a public library once I was done, as one of my librarian friends repeatedly warned me. 

It could have been jet lag or the transition of going back to school itself or that I'm a Four or that it was also the ten year anniversary of my Grandma's death. I girded my loins and decided to persevere. I just needed to adjust.

But that feeling of wrongness only grew.

******

I started reading Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work and Life before I left the country and picked it back up upon my return. It's about how we can best navigate life's ups and downs. Emotionally agile people are able to adapt to whatever life throws at them and stay true to their values, as well as grow stronger and healthier.

David really gets into our motivations and the habits that trip us up and how small changes can change everything. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  

I read passages like this:

"There is loss inherent in choice. You give up the path not taken, and with any loss comes a certain amount of pain, sorrow, and even regret. You can know why you're doing something- remember the question 'What did I do that was actually worth my time?'- and still feel anxious or sad about it. The difference is that you will have a real investment in it that will help you navigate with agility through those difficult emotions. Even if your choice turns out to be wrong, you can at least take comfort in knowing you made the decision for the right reasons. You can show up to yourself with courage, curiosity, and self-compassion." p. 132

And this:

"These are tough, often scary decisions to make, and it's easy to feel like a quitter if you're hooked on the idea that grit is a quality to be valued above all others. But there's no shame- in fact there's actually a lot of virtue- in making a logical, heartfelt choice. Instead of looking at these transitions as giving up, look at them as moving on. You're letting yourself evolve and grow along with your circumstances, choosing a new path that's full of possibility." p. 185

Just as my dream was shifting, these words appeared and clarified everything. 

Decisions can happen in stages. I thought perhaps I'd finish out the summer course and withdraw from the program after that. That was last Monday.

When I woke up the next day, I realized even that felt wrong. But I thought I should at least go to class that night and see how I felt after.

I asked for a sign. I wanted to know one way or the other if I should continue on. I got to campus about a minute before class started, only to find the classroom dark and empty. Class was canceled. 

******

I never wanted to go back to school. All I wanted to do was work at a library and I thought this was how I was supposed to do it. 

I've learned since then there are non-degreed positions that pay decently. In fact, I had a phone interview last month for what would be a perfect position for me (basically what I did as an assistant bookstore manager.) I didn't move forward in the interview process but it gave me hope. 

Grad school is not the only means for working at the library. In fact, my subconscious told me this for the past several months. Every time I applied for a library job, I'd say, "if I got this, I probably wouldn't even go to school!" I wish I'd paid better attention and figured it out before class started but it's like I needed the reality check to help coalesce the swirling thoughts in my head.

I'm glad I realized it now, instead of later.

Why go to school if I don't have to? I don't need to sacrifice all this time, money, and energy. (My student loan is down to $4000 and I'm so happy I won't be incurring more debt.)

I'm changing course. The ultimate goal is still to work at a library someday. I applied to volunteer at the local branch. It'll give me experience and help me become a familiar face. But who knows? Maybe I'll find an awesome admin job and volunteering will be enough. 

I don't regret applying for school. It was the next right step, just as moving to San Francisco was the next right step and moving to the Twin Cities was the next right step. This is the adventure, eh?

I'm not going to lie. Sadness is mixed in with the relief. I loved knowing where I was headed after a few years of not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and now that path has changed. I won't get to call myself a librarian. Limbo has become my state of being. But I'm being true to my values, as Emotional Agility reminded me. This unexpected decision feels right. 

Like a weight has been lifted off. June feels hopeful again.

For now, I'm paying attention to the signs. I'm waiting for the jar lid click. This is the next leap of faith, to trust the right job will emerge at the right time. All I have to do is hang in there. All I have to do is embrace uncertainty and be ready for the next right step.

I'm ready.

****** 

"Uncertainty leaves space for a future to grow, for time to bloom and unfold. When there’s hesitation, when there’s doubt, there’s room for hope." -Madame Clairevoyant 

Disclosure: Affiliate links contained in this post.